The String of Pearls Lyrics

3st Lyrics





June 9th, 1958
Detective Turrano, Detective Castillo and I
Had been private investigators
In the city for three years


We worked tirelessly around the clock
To keep the sc*m of society off the streets
And by tirelessly
I mean it was exhausting
And I f**king hated it


Our office was our home
We ate there, slept there
And on occasion
Brought foxy ladies to get some mad puss
All in the name of justice of course


Boy, don’t act like you’ve had sex in our office
The pillow you practice kissing on
Wouldn’t even let you smash

Nah, I’ve totally gotten laid in here
That couch has been dampened
With the juices of a good time


Who did you f**k in here?
Give me one name and I’ll believe you


Uhh… I don’t wanna say


Augh uh yeah
That's what I thought
Anyway, June 9th, 1958
The day we faced a mystery most mystifying
Of foul play most foul





Somebody knocked


Great observation, no sh*t Sherlock

You don’t have to be rude


Just open the door


Okay, I’mma open the door


Hold up, wait!


Then Saverio tackles me onto the floor
What the f**k man?


I think that this could be a trap of some sort
Who the hell comes here at eight in the morn?


What the hell do you mean?


I mean that this could be
A part of some criminal’s villainous scheme
We’ve caught a lot of bad guys
Made a lot of enemies
Someone could want revenge
And my gut is telling me
Not to let this guy in

Turrano
You're making a lot of a**umptions
It’s probably a client
I open the door to discover
The face of my former lover
Flashback plays in my head like a picture show
Whole thing started ‘bout a year ago
When I met her
I was on my way to get coffee
Asked her name, she said...


Audrey


She's into music, paintings, burgers
Also she f**ked like a monster, holy sh*t
I can’t believe I was tapping that
I’m pitching a tent
Just thinking bout those ma**ive…


Detective
What are you staring at?


Huh?


Excuse me
My eyes are up here


Wait no! I wasn’t staring at your...
I was thinking about some
Other
Sh*t…
Anyway, why are you here?


Something dreadful has happened!
I need you to help…
Um…
Is there any particular reason
Those two are laying
On top of each other on the floor?


Sav! Get the f**k off me!


Brandon and Saverio try to play it cool
As if they didn’t just
Remind us all of Gomorrah and Sodom


Mike covers up his obvious erection
And Brandon chimes in with a...


So, what seems to be the problem?


It’s a really ridiculous story
It’s insane, but you’ve got to believe it


What happened?


My husband awoke in the morning
To find that his face had been covered in semen


F**king what?


Brandon, quit laughing


I’m sorry but something about
The thought of waking up
With a mysterious hot wad of jizz on your face
Is pretty f**king funny


I apologize for him
But at any rate
We need to hear more specifics of the case


For instance
You said that your husband’s the victim
As in, you have a husband?
You’re married?
Like, off the market?


Yes, my husband was screaming
It sounded as if he was dying
I found him lying on the floor crying
In fetal position
Covered in testicular drippings
And I didn’t know what to do


Well, where did it come from?


I don’t have clue


Well, it's gotta be someone's


Perhaps it was his


I love him but trust me
His d**k ain’t that big


This is a mystery


Vicious and errant


But I wonder
The victim, your husband
Why isn’t he here?


Well, he’s far too embarra**ed
To talk about even a word of what happened


Psh, I bet


He doesn’t even know that I’m here
But this criminal has to be thwarted
Find me the f**ker who came on my man
And I promise you three will be greatly rewarded


Uh, can you give us a second?


Of course


Yo, she totally just offered us a foursome
If we crack this case!


She said nothing like that, Castillo


Body language, Moore!
Her lips said reward
But her eyes said
Three throbbing man pills
All over my body


You still convinced this is some convict
Trying to get revenge on us, Turrano?


Okay, I was wrong about that
She’s definitely telling the truth
I’ve been reading the news
There have actually been
Three other reports of men
Waking up with jean cream on their faces


So we can’t talk to Audrey’s husband
Because he’s too macho
To talk about having baby batter in his beard
But there’s three other guys
We can get clues from
Castillo, get the rolodex
And figure out where we can find them


On it


Audrey?


Yes?


Stay here in our office
We've got a case to crack





First victim on the case we gotta crack
Local rockabilly singer
By the name of Scotty Black
I found him in the trailer
That he uses for a home
Cause he barely makes a living off his music
I knock knocked and his door and he said


You’re not my ecstasy dealer


Okay lemme try that again
I said
My name is Detective Turrano
And I’m here to ask you
A couple of questions
He came back to the door and said


Are you a cop?


I’m a private investigator
I’m not a cop


Okay, good
Come on inside
What do you need?


I’m here to ask about the time
That you woke up with your face
All covered in nut


Okay that sh*t was f**ked up
Every night when I’m done with the show
I go back to my trailer
With a bunch of hoes
We get super drunk
And we all smash


This surprised me
Considering his music is trash


The last time that we all got busy
I woke up in the morning
With my mouth all jizzy
And even though I was highly intoxicated
I swear that I was the only man there


I see
Does anybody know about the orgies?


Everybody knows about the orgies
They used to be a secret
Before she found out


Wait, who is this you’re talking bout?


My fiancé
Ex-fiancé
She had the biggest t**s
I ever laid eyes on
But she walked in on me
F**king half a dozen other women at a time
Now that girl’s long gone
She kept her key to my trailer though
To me that means there’s a ray of hope
That she might come back to me one day, and...


Nope
You f**ked up pretty bad, dude
She prolly threw that key in the trash, dude
Just being real
You f**ked six other people
She prolly isn’t considering coming back, dude
That prolly isn’t something
You should get attached to
Sorry


I guess that’s true
I should write a song about that
Lemme get my guitar real quick


Please don’t


You left
With a key
Never gonna come back
Misery


Scotty!
I got the sh*t!
Hurry up
I think I might have been tailed


Who the f**k is that?


That’s my ecstasy dealer





Stop two on the track to answers
Impressionist painter
Named Jackson Krasner
He’s got a studio at the edge of the city
So I went there in a cab
Hoping he would chat with me
I knock knocked on his door and he said


Tony?
You’re here sooner than expected


I told him
My name is Detective Moore
And I’m here to ask you
A couple of questions


Oh, I don’t have time for an interview
I’m a hurry
I’ve got more important sh*t to do


I’m sorry, is justice a disturbance?


Oh fine, talk to me while I’m working


I get distracted when I glance at his canvas
And it’s just splatters of paint
I don’t understand it
So I ask him
What does this mean?


Ah, allow me to paint you a scene
I could never be in love
Maybe for the inspiration
I’d pretend to
I started dating and painting a lady
And then a few exhibits made a fortune
There were many men
Who’d commission naked portraits of her
Telling me to send n***s
She had these immaculate breasts
That practically leapt
Onto the canvas and back again
Living the life
Cashing that check
Having the best pa**ionate sex
Until the day she got mad and she left
While he was explaining
He very casually continued his painting
By taking his brush
And waving it front to back
With a quick thrusting action
And it honestly looked like
He was jacking his d**k
And I have to admit
It was distracting a bit
Like, why’s he gotta be so f**king weird
I can tell by the way he acts
This guy’s the final nail in the coffin proving
Artists are f**king maniacs
Then he said


Without her
I needed a fresh start
So I made a habit out of sleeping the park
You know what they say
About nature and art
Maybe if I got in touch with the Earth
It would unlock an unharnessed art in my head
But I ended up soaking in splewage instead
It was wretched
But in my reflection
I saw an opportunity for expression
So I harnessed inspiration
From the embarra**ment felt
In the splattering pattern
To bring forth a style that’s never been done
And that is the essence I’ve attempted to capture


So this is a painting of you
Drenched in dubious daddy deposits?


It isn’t about the jizz
It’s about making you feel like you’re covered in jizz


Okay I’ve had enough
I’m going back to the…
Ah sh*t
I left my key to the office behind
I’m gonna have to wait up for the others


Excuse me Jackson
Is my painting ready?


Tony!
Perfect timing
I just finished it
How does it make you feel?


It sorta makes me feel like I’m covered in jizz
And I love it





Number three
Last but not least
A fast food chef
Named Richard Maurice
Reputed as a bad worker
I went to his apartment
After his shift of flipping burgers
I knock knocked on his door and he said
...ahem...
I knock knocked on his door and he said
...
Where the hell is this guy?
He should be home by this time
I gave the doorknob a try
And it was unlocked
So I wandered inside
Small place, that’s for sure
Found some dude
Asleep on the floor
It’s prolly Richard
Gotta wake him up
Subtly nudge him, don’t startle him


I don't wanna get married!


Oh sh*t!


Hello
Do...
Do I know you?


My name is Detective Castillo
And I’m here to ask you
A couple of questions


Oh
How did you get in here?


The door wasn’t locked


Son of a b*t*h
I thought that I locked it
I must’ve forgot
I do that sh*t all the time


Sir, I need to ask about
The day you woke up
With stud crud on your face


That’s kinda weird
But go ahead, ask away


Did you see the perp?


I forget


Were you followed home?


I forget


Was your door locked?


I forget


Is there anything that you remember?


Hmm…
I remember going to the sperm bank
Like I do on every Thursday
Boutta donate
When I overheard the clerk say
Something bout a man
With a mask and a gun
Coming through and
Demanding a gallon of c*m


Oh sh*t, what happened?


They gave it to him


Is that how sperm banks work?
Do they just have, like, jugs full of dude glue?


Yeah


One more thing before I go
What did you mean
You don’t wanna get married?


I'm sorry?


When you woke up
You said I don’t wanna get married


Oh
I was reliving a moment
I had with an ex
Girl had a monstrous chest
She wanted me to marry her
But I just kinda wanted her for sex
Why do you ask?


No reason





After a long day of tracking down
And interviewing the three other victims
We regrouped and returned to our office
To put our facts together
And deduce what could have happened


We returned to find Audrey
Sitting on one of the couches
She stood up as soon as she saw us
And I take no shame in saying that
I stood up as soon as I saw her


You know
All day I’ve been laughing to myself
About the sentiment of waking up and going
Oh, what’s this on my face?
Did I drool or something?
And then looking in the mirror and going
Where the f**k did this willy milk come from?


Audrey approached us
As we entered the room and said


So what happened?
Did you catch him?


Well, we've talked to a lot of guys
And we certainly have a lot to think about
But we haven’t caught him yet
We’re getting close though


It’s all so confusing
The victims have almost nothing in common
We’ve got no leads on any suspects
And then there’s the whole sperm bank thing


Sperm bank?
Were you guys jacking off into cups all day?


No
One of the victims mentioned that
Somebody robbed a sperm bank
Left with a ton of semen
And we’re completely blown away
At the odds of there being
Two nut b***er related crimes in the same week


What an incredible coincidence


Well, maybe not
We think they could be related


We’re gonna sleep on it though
You head on home
And come back tomorrow morning
We’ll have more to tell you then


You’re gonna make me walk home all alone?


I'll walk you home


Castillo, she’s a grown a** woman
She can walk her damn self home
Good night, Audrey


Good night detectives. Sleep well





I didn't sleep well
As a matter of fact
I didn't sleep at all
I hadn't relaxed a single muscle
Since I stepped into the ring to tussle
One on one with this
Most brain teasing puzzle
I've been pacing in my room in the office
With nothing at all
I'm stuck at a wall
I'm clutching at straws
I can't spin it to gold
Unless something, anything
Points to a suspect
I hear my door slowly open behind me
Dreadfully I turn around to find
The silhouette of a sinister figure
Creeping with a comically large syringe
Labeled as semen
He must have heard
About our journey to convict him
But the only ones who know that we're involved
Are the victims
Suddenly the truth becomes blaring
The son of a b*t*h
Served us a red herring
He slams the door shut between us
He's trying to escape
My feet throw me forward toward the door
As I start to chase after him
This could be our chance
To put an end to this case
All I have to do is
Get one glance at his face
I catapult the door open to find
This crafty b*st*rd had the bright idea
Of closing the blinds
The whole room is pitch black
So he knows he can hide
Oh, sh*t
With my arms thrown in front of me
I start slowly stumbling through the room
In an attempt to find him
Preparing myself for this to get violent
Suddenly my hand lands on something
Holy sh*t
I've got him right where I want him
I've got him guys
Oh
Oh God he got me
Oh I'm covered in jizz
*vomits
He's blinded me with man chowder
I can't see
He's gonna get away
Guys, wake up


What the f**k happened?


He was here
He was here, I saw him


Who?


The Phantom Masturbator!


Is that what we’re calling him?


See I was gonna suggest we call him
Rip The Jacker
You know like Jack The Ripper
Only sexier


Shut the f**k up
That b*st*rd plastered his
Population paste all over my face
Would one of you please get me
Something I can wipe it off with


Here, take a tissue


Thank you
I pulled the tissue across my eyes
And suddenly I regained both my vision
And my composure
Now gentlemen
We’ve got ourselves a situa-
Holy sh*t!


Whoah whoah
What happened?


Castillo!


What?


You’ve got spunk on your face too!


What?
I pressed my hands against my face
And felt a sticky squishing
Ah!


He got you too!


This is f**ked up!


Believe me, I know!


Sucks to be you guys


Okay, no more f**king around!
That motherf**ker done made this sh*t personal!


Look, we’ve interviewed all the victims
And we don’t have a single solid suspect


Well, not all the victims


You mean Audrey’s husband?


He may hold the key to finding this guy


Audrey told us he’s too embarra**ed to talk about it
He won’t tell us anything!


F**k that!
I'm calling his a**


Hello?


Hi, is this Audrey’s husband?


Yes, and it’s four in the morning
Who is this?


My name is Detective Brandon Castillo
Your wife came to our office and told us
That you woke up covered in ball barf
She said you wouldn’t want to talk about it
But I’ve got jizz on my face as we speak
And if we’re gonna catch
The son of a b*t*h who did this to us
You’ve gotta tell me everything


I have no idea what you’re talking about
I never woke up with semen on my face


You guys hear that?


But Audrey told us…


Sir, is your wife with you?


No, I don’t know where she is
Did you say you have jizz on your face right now?


Son of a b*t*h


I know
Brandon totally just told that guy
He had chode nectar on his face
For nothing


No, not for nothing
I think we just solved the case





That morning
Audrey returned to our office
As we had instructed her to
She said


Is there anything new you’ve deduced?


Well, as a matter of fact
We’ve identified our man
And we’ve got the proof


Excellent news!
You must tell me who


Only one man had a motive
And that man…
Was you


Me? What?


Do you deny it?


Yes I deny it!


We figured you would


Of course I deny it!
I don’t have a p*n*s with which to ejaculate!
I hired you men to extrapolate
Who could have masturbated on my husband
And somehow you advocate that it was me?


That’s quite enough of the charade
We know it was you
Allow us to explain
None of the victims
Had seen the suspect


But all of the victims
Had mentioned an ex
All of them said


Girl had a monstrous chest


Immaculate breasts


She had the biggest t**s I ever laid eyes on


We believe you are the ex
And that you’ve been getting
Sexual revenge


You dressed like a man
With a mask and a gun
And you robbed the sperm bank
Of a gallon of c*m


Past that point
All you had to do was track down Scotty


Jackson


Richard


And me


You kept your key to Scotty’s trailer, though


Jackson made a habit
Out of sleeping in the park


And Richard left his door open
Be probably thought that he locked it
He must have forgot


That much of your plan was flawless


But since I’m always in this office
Getting to me would be harder to do
So you concocted a ruse


Something dreadful has happened
You told us knowing your state of distress
Was extremely deceiving


You lied that your husband awoke in the morning
To find that his face had been covered in semen


And it was remarkably simple
Avoiding suspicion by playing the victim


I have to admit that was smart
But you knew that your lie
Would crumble apart
If we spoke to your husband


You knew we would try


So you had to convince us
He wouldn’t comply


You told us
He’s far too embarra**ed
To talk about even a word of what happened


We were sold
We began the search


And as we ran around town
Tryna interview the victims
Little did we know that we left the perp
Sitting on a couch
All alone on our own turf


That gave you plenty of time
To comb through the office


You wanted to find a key
So at night you could come back inside


And lucky for you I had left mine behind


You returned that night in disguise


Mike woke up and you ran outside


I pursued you until you shot cream in my eyes
And just like that you had won your prize
You got to reciprocate for the
Men you allowed to nut on your face


And you thought that we couldn’t
Connect all the clues
But thanks to your husband
We know it was you
Do you deny it?


I…
I...


Audrey
Do you deny it?


I just wanted someone to love me
You may find it overdramatic
But love is uncommon
When you’re as attractive as I am
Nobody wants to be close
They just wanna f**k you and leave you
So they deceive you
Mislead you into feeling like they need you
But when you satisfy their sweet-tooth
They just treat you like a tuft of dust
And sweep you under the rug, it sucks
You don’t know what it’s like to be used
But now that I’m married
I had to atone for the
Sexual favors that went undeserved
You and the rest of the lecherous men
I had sex with have suffered revenge
And as far as I’m concerned
You all got what you earned
So go ahead and cuff me
I’m sure that’ll get you off


Audrey
We’re letting you go


Wait, really?


Yeah
We put all the pieces together
And realized that
Finally you had a love that was true
And who would we be
To undo that for you?


Plus, we don’t have any physical evidence
None of this theory would hold up in court


And I know that it’s partly my fault
For sending you on a
Rampage of sexual a**ault
I’m sorry, Audrey
But like
If you're
Not
Doing
Anything
Later
Do you
Maybe
Wanna...


Motherf**ker
I know you did not just try that sh*t


Uh, I know, I know
I'm an a**hole
I'm sorry


Remember
I’ve still got half a gallon of c*ck frosting
With your name on it
If any of you three
Ever say anything about this to anyone
You hear?


Crystal clear Audrey
We're keeping it zipped


Good
Now I’m gonna go home
And f**k my husband





And thus was the conclusion
Of one of the most challenging cases of our careers
I'd say all loose ends
Tied up pretty nicely
Except for maybe one thing
Audrey was getting revenge
On the men she had sex with
Before she was married to her husband
I understand why
Scotty, Jackson, Richard, and I got sauced
But Castillo
Why would she have gone after you?


Oh well, uh...
Okay, remember fifteen minutes ago
When I was bragging about
Getting laid in the office
But I didn't want to tell you
Who the girl was?


Oh my God
Brandon, did you get sloppy seconds
Off of Audrey
While we were dating?


No
I went third
Saverio got seconds


Oh my God
I cannot believe you guys
That is so f**ked up
I ca--
Wait, hold on
Saverio how come you didn't get
Drizzled in p*** syrup?


I did
I just wiped it off
Because I didn't want you guys
To see my face covered in pee-pee goo
It wasn't hard to do
I don't know why you guys
Made a whole f**king scene out of it


Oh, you pricks
I'm gonna kick your a**--
Saved by the bell, huh?
Hello?
What?
A naked man has been
Running around in a mask at night
Between fifth and seventh street?


Well
Looks like we've got another case to crack
Tune in next week, ladies and gentlemen
As we chase down The Sixth Street Streaker
On the next episode of--


Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait
That--
D-Don't...
Don't bother
Uh...
That's uh...
Uh, that was me
I...
I do that sometimes




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