Home Alone (Script) Lyrics

20th Century Fox Lyrics




HARRY:
Miss. Young lady! Excuse me. Girls! Hey, hey, little guy. Hey! Excuse me, girls. Girls! Hey, big fella! Excuse me. Ma'am, excuse me. Ma'am! Ma'am! Hey, son. Son! Big fella. Hey, hey hey, little guy, little guy!

Help me make the beds in the living room.

Come on down here!

Hey, son!

Big fella. Hey, little guy! Little guy!

Pete's brother and his family are here.

Trish is going to Montreal.

Montreal? Oh, her family's there.

- Then we're off. - When?

- Tomorrow. - You're not ready, are you?

KEVIN:
Mom, Uncle Frank won't let me watch the movie, but the big kids can. Why can't I?

KATE:
Kevin, I'm on the phone. When do you come back? Not 'til then?

KEVIN:
It's not even rated R. He's just being a j*rk.

KATE:
Kevin, if Uncle Frank says no, then it must be really bad. No, we put the dog in the kennel for the-- Hey hey hey, get off! Kevin, out of the room.

KEVIN:
Hang up the phone and make me, why don't ya?
KATE:
This kid.

PETER:
Kate, did you pick up a voltage adaptor thing?

KATE:
No, I didn't have time to do that.

KEVIN:
Then how do I shave in France?

KATE:
Grow a goatee.

KEVIN:
Dad, nobody'll let me do anything.

PETER:
You don't have anything to do? I have something for you to do. You can pick up those MicroMachines that are all over in there. Aunt Leslie stepped on one of them and almost broke her neck.

KATE:
He was in the garage again playing with the glue gun.

PETER:
Didn't we talk about that?
KEVIN:
Did I burn down the joint? I don't think so. I was making ornaments out of fish hooks.

PETER:
My new fish hooks?

KEVIN:
I can't make them out of old ones, with dry worm guts stuck on them.

KATE:
Peter...?

PETER:
Come on, Kevin. Out.

LESLIE:
Peter, Kate, do you guys have a voltage adaptor?

PETER:
Here! Here's a voltage adapter!

LESLIE:
Oh God, you're getting heavy! Go pack your suitcase.

KEVIN:
Pack my suitcase?



?: Do you know where the shampoo is, Fuller?

FULLER: I don't live here.

?: I don't believe. in a house with this many people, there's no shampoo.

HARRY:
Are your folks home?

?:
Yeah, but they don't live here. Tracy, did you order the pizza?

TRACY:
Buzz did.

HARRY:
Excuse me, Miss? Are your parents home?

TRACY:
My parents live in Paris, sorry.

HARRY:
Hi!

Sondra:
Hi!

HARRY:
Are your parents home?

Sondra:
Yeah.

HARRY:
Do they live here?

SONDRA:
No.

HARRY:
No. Why should they? All kids, no parents. Probably a fancy orphanage.



KEVIN:
I don't know how to pack a suitcase. I've never done this once in my whole life.

JEFF:
Tough.

KEVIN:
That's what Megan said.

MEGAN:
What did I say?

JEFF:
You told Kevin "Tough."

MEGAN:
The dope was whining about a suitcase. What was I supposed to say? "Congratulations, you're an idiot"?

KEVIN:
I'm not an idiot!

MEGAN:
Oh, really? You're completely helpless! Everyone has to do everything for you.

JEFF:
She's right, Kev.

KEVIN:
Excuse me, puke-breath. I'm a lot smaller than you. I don't know how to pack a suitcase.

LINNIE:
I hope you didn't just pack crap, Jeff.

JEFF:
Shut up, Linnie.

KEVIN:
Do you know what I should pack?

JEFF:
Buzz told you, cheek-face. Toilet paper and water.

LINNIE:
Listen, Kevin, what are you so worried about? You know Mom's gonna pack your stuff, anyway. You're what the French call "les incompetents".

KEVIN:
What?



JEFF:
Bombs away!



LINNIE:
P.S.: You have to sleep on the hide-a-bed with Fuller. If he has something to drink, he's going to wet the bed.

KEVIN:
This house is so full of people. It makes me sick! When I grow up and get married, I'm living alone! Did you hear me? I'm living alone! I'm living alone!



ROD:
Who's gonna feed your spider while we're gone?

BUZZ:
He just ate a load of mice guts. He should be good for a couple of weeks. Is it true French babes don't shave their pits?

ROD:
Some don't.

BUZZ:
But they got n*** beaches.

ROD:
Not in the winter.

KEVIN:
Buzz?

BUZZ:
Don't you know how to knock, phlegm-wad?

KEVIN:
Can I sleep in your room? I don't want to sleep in the hide-a-bed with Fuller. If he has something to drink, he'll wet the bed.

BUZZ:
I wouldn't let you sleep in my room if you were growing on my a**. Check it out. Old man Marley.

ROD:
Who's he?

BUZZ:
You ever heard of the South Bend Shovel Slayer?

ROD:
No.

BUZZ:
That's him. Back in '58, he murdered his whole family and half the people on his block... with a snow shovel. Been hiding out in this neighborhood ever since.

ROD:
If he's the shovel slayer, how come the cops don't arrest him?

BUZZ:
Not enough evidence to convict. They never found the bodies. But everyone around here knows he did it. It'll just be a matter of time, before he does it again.

ROD:
What's he doing now?

BUZZ:
He walks up and down the street every night, salting the sidewalks.

ROD:
Maybe he's just trying to be nice.

BUZZ:
No way. You see that garbage can full of salt? That's where he keeps his victims. The salt turns the bodies into mummies.

ROD:
Wow.

KEVIN:
Mummies!

BUZZ:
Look out!





HARRY:
How you kids doing, huh? Good? Lot of action around here today, huh? Going on vacation? Where you going? You hear me, or what? Going on a trip? Where you going, kid?

PIZZA BOY:
Okay, that's $122.50.

HARRY:
Not from me, kid. I don't live here.

PIZZA BOY:
Oh, you just around for the holidays?

HARRY:
I guess you could say that.

FRANK:
Hey, pizza's here!

PIZZA BOY:
There you go. That's $122.50.

FRANK:
It's my brother's house. He'll take care of it.

HARRY:
Hey, listen...

PETER:
Hey.

HARRY:
Hi. Are you Mr. McCallister?

PETER:
Yeah.

HARRY:
The Mr. McCallister who lives here?

PETER:
Yes.

PIZZA BOY:
Good, because somebody owes me $122.50.

HARRY:
I'd like a word with you, sir.

PETER:
Am I under arrest or something?

HARRY:
No, no, no, no. It's Christmas time. There's always a lot of burglaries around the holidays. So we're just checking the neighborhood to see if everyone's taking the proper precautions; that's all.

PETER:
Oh, yeah. Well we have automatic timers for our lights, locks for our doors. That's about as well as anybody can do these days, right? Did you get some eggnog or something like that?

BUZZ: Come on, Dad. Let's eat.

HARRY: Eggnog? Listen, are you going to be leaving...?

KEVIN: Pizza! Pizza! Pizza!



LESLIE:
Grab yourself a napkin, and you're going to have to pour your own drinks.

?:
Mom, does Santa Claus have to go through customs?

FULLER:
What time do we have to go to bed?

FRANK:
Early. We're leaving the house at 8 a.m. On the b***on.

KATE:
I hope you're all drinking milk. I want to get rid of it.

PETER:
Honey, the pizza boy needs $122.50, plus tip.

KATE:
For pizza?

PETER:
10 pizzas times 12 bucks.

LESLIE:
Frank, you've got money! Come on...

FRANK:
Traveler's checks.

KATE:
Forget it, Frank. We have cash.

PETER:
You probably got the checks that don't work in France.

KEVIN:
Did anyone order me a plain cheese?

BUZZ:
Oh, yeah, we did. But if you want any, somebody's gonna have to barf it up, because it's gone.

LESLIE:
Fuller! Go easy on the Pepsi.

BUZZ:
Kev! Kev, get a plate.

PETER:
Pa**ports!

FRANK:
Watch it!

PETER:
No, no. Get these pa**ports out of here.

LESLIE:
Are you okay, honey? Come here. Are you all right?

KATE:
What is the matter with you?

KEVIN:
He started it! He ate my pizza on purpose. He knows I hate sausage and olives...

FRANK:
Look what you did, you little j*rk!

KATE:
Kevin, get upstairs right now.

KEVIN:
Why?

JEFF:
Kevin, you're such a disease.

KEVIN:
Shut up!

PETER:
Kevin, upstairs!

KATE:
Say good night, Kevin.

KEVIN:
"Good night, Kevin."



KEVIN:
Why do I always get treated like sc*m?

KATE:
Oh, I'm sorry. This house is just crazy. We've got all these extra kids running around and my brother-in-law drove in from Ohio today. It's just nuts.

KEVIN:
How come you didn't bring more cheese pizzas?

PIZZA BOY:
Nice tip. Thanks a lot.

KATE:
Thanks.

HARRY:
Having a reunion or something?

KATE:
Oh no. My husband's brother transferred to Paris last summer and both of his kids are still going to school here, and I guess he missed the whole family. He's giving us all this trip to Paris for the holidays, so we can be together.

HARRY:
You're taking a trip to Paris?

KATE:
Yes. We hope to leave tomorrow morning.

HARRY:
Excellent. Excellent.

KATE:
If you'll excuse me, this one's a little out of sorts. I'll be right back.

HARRY:
Don't worry about me. I spoke to your husband already. And don't worry about your home. It's in good hands.



KATE:
There are 15 people in this house and you're the only one who has to make trouble.

KEVIN:
I'm the only one getting dumped on.

KATE:
You're the only one acting up. Now get upstairs!

KEVIN:
I am upstairs, dummy! The third floor?

KATE:
Go.

KEVIN:
It's scary up there.

KATE:
Don't be silly. Fuller will be up in a little while.

KEVIN:
I don't want to sleep with Fuller. You know about him: he wets the bed. He'll pee all over me. I know it.

KATE:
Fine, we'll put him somewhere else.

KEVIN:
I'm sorry.

KATE:
It's too late. Get upstairs.

KEVIN:
Everyone in this family hates me.

KATE:
Then maybe you should ask Santa for a new family.

KEVIN:
I don't want a new family. I don't want any family. Families suck!

KATE:
Just stay up there! I don't want to see you again for the rest of the night.

KEVIN:
I don't want to see you again for the rest of my whole life. And I don't want to see anybody else either.

KATE:
I hope you don't mean that. You'd feel pretty sad if you woke up tomorrow morning and you didn't have a family.

KEVIN:
No, I wouldn't.

KATE:
Then say it again. Maybe it'll happen.

KEVIN:
I hope I never see any of you j*rks again.



KEVIN :
I wish they would all just disappear.





VAN DRIVER #1:
Where are they?

VAN DRIVER #2:
I don't know. She said 8 sharp.



KATE:
Peter!

PETER & KATE:
We slept in!

MITCH:
Hi, I'm Mitch Murphy. I live across the street. You guys going out of town? We're going to Orlando, Florida. Well, first we're going to Missouri to pick up my grandma. You know the McCallisters are going to France? Do you know if it's cold there? Do these vans get good mileage?

VAN DRIVER:
Gee, kid, I don't know. Hit the road!



KATE:
Heather, do a head count. Make sure everyone's in the vans. Where are the pa**ports and tickets?

PETER:
I put them in the microwave to dry off.



MITCH:
How fast does this thing go? Does it have automatic transmission? Does it have 4-wheel drive?

VAN DRIVER:
Look, I told you before, kid: don't bother me. Now, beat it!

HEATHER:
Line up in front of the van. Come on guys, line up and shut up!

MITCH:
Wow!

HEATHER:
Shut up! I need a head count. 1-2-3-4-5...

BUZZ:
11, 92, 12...

HEATHER:
Buzz, don't be a moron. 6-7-8-9-10-11. Okay, half in this van, half in this van. Let's go.

MITCH:
Have a good trip. Bring me back something French.

FRANK:
There's no way we'll make this plane. It leaves in 45 minutes.

PETER:
Think positive, Frank!

FRANK:
You be positive. I'll be realistic.

ELECTRICAL WORKER:
Ma'am. Excuse me. I just wanted to let you know that your power is fixed, but the phone lines are a mess. It's going to take around a couple of days to patch them up, especially around the holidays.

KATE:
Okay, thanks. Heather, did you count heads?

HEATHER:
11, including me. 5 boys, 6 girls, 4 parents, 2 drivers... and a partridge in a pear tree.



PETER:
Hold the plane!

KATE:
Did we miss the flight?

AIRPORT GATE AGENT:
No, you just made it. Single seats only in coach. Take whatever's free.



PETER:
Kids are in coach, we're first cla**.

KATE:
Seats 4-A and B.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT:
4-A and B. I'll take your coats. Fasten your seat belts, please.

FRANK:
Champagne, please. It's free, isn't it?

FLIGHT ATTENDANT:
Oh, yes.

PETER:
We made it.

KATE:
Do you believe it? I hope we didn't forget anything.



KEVIN:
Mom?



FRANK:
That's real. It's real crystal.

LESLIE:
Yeah, so?

FRANK:
Put them in your purse.

LESLIE:
Frank, I can't do that.

FRANK:
Put 'em-- put 'em-- put 'em... Put them in your purse! Yeah. Fill it up-- fill it up-- Fill it up, please. Thank you.

KATE:
Don't you feel like a heel, flying first cla** with all of the kids back in coach?

PETER:
No. The kids are fine. The only flying I ever did as a kid was in the family station wagon, and it wasn't to France. We used to have to go to Aunt Laura and Uncle Arthur's house. The kids are okay. They're having the time of their lives.



KEVIN:
Hello? Mom? Dad?... Mom? Dad? Where are you guys?



KEVIN:
Buzz? Buzz? Buzz? Megan?



KEVIN:
Hello? Rod? Uncle Frank? Uncle Frank, is this a joke? Megan? Linnie? Is this a joke? It's only my imagination... only my imagination.



KEVIN:
The cars are still here. They didn't go to the airport?!



KEVIN:
I made my family disappear.

MEGAN:
Kevin, you're completely helpless.

LINNIE:
You know, Kevin, you're what the French call, "les incompetents."

BUZZ:
Kevin, I'm going to feed you to my tarantula.

JEFF:
Kevin, you are such a disease.

KATE:
There are 15 people in this house, and you're the only one who has to make trouble.

FRANK:
Look what you did, you little j*rk!

KEVIN:
I made my family disappear?





KEVIN:
No clothes on anybody. Sickening!

Cool! Firecrackers! I'll save these for later. Buzz, I'm going through all your private stuff... you better come out and pound me! Buzz, your girlfriend! Woof!







JOHNNY:
Who is it?

SNAKES:
It's me. Snakes. I got the stuff.

JOHNNY:
Leave it on that doorstep and get the hell out of here.

SNAKES:
All right, Johnny, but what about my money?

JOHNNY:
What money?

SNAKES:
Acey said you had some dough for me.

JOHNNY:
Is that a fact? How much do I owe you?

SNAKES:
Acey Said ten percent.

JOHNNY:
Too bad Acey ain't in charge no more.

KEVIN:
Guys, I'm eating junk and watching rubbish! You better come out and stop me!

JOHNNY:
He'll call you when he gets out. Hey. I'll tell you what I'm gonna give you, Snakes. I'm gonna give you to the count of 10 to get your ugly, yellow, no-good keister off my property... before I pump your guts full of lead.

SNAKES:
All right, Johnny, I'm sorry. I'm going.

JOHNNY:
1, 2, 10! Keep the change, you filthy animal.

KEVIN:
Mom!



PETER:
What's the matter? Honey?

KATE:
I have a terrible feeling.

PETER:
About what?

KATE:
That we didn't do something.

PETER:
You feel that way because we left in such a hurry. We took care of everything. Believe me, we did.

KATE:
Did I turn off the coffee?

PETER:
No. I did.

KATE:
Did you lock up?

PETER:
Yeah.

KATE:
Did you close the garage?

PETER:
That's it. I forgot to close the garage. That's it.

KATE:
No, that's not it.

PETER:
What else could we be forgetting?

KATE:
Kevin!





FLIGHT ATTENDANT:
The captain's doing all he can, but your phones are still out of order.

LESLIE:
We'll call as soon as we land, Kate. I'm sure everything's okay.

FRANK:
It's horrible, horrible. Just horrible.

KATE:
How could we do this? We forgot him.

PETER:
We didn't forget him, we just miscounted.

KATE:
What kind of mother am I?

FRANK:
If it makes you feel any better, I forgot my reading gla**es.



HARRY:
5 families gone on one block alone. They all told me from their own mouths.

MARV:
It's almost too easy.

HARRY:
Check it out. All the houses with nobody home have automatic timers on their lights. But I got it all figured out. Watch this. Number 664 will be going on right about... now. Wait, wait, wait... number 672, right now. Wait a minute, wait a minute. 671... now. And that's the one, Marvin. And that's the silver tuna.

MARV:
It's very G.

HARRY:
Very G, huh? It's loaded. It's got lots of top-flight goods. Stereos, VCRs...

MARV:
Toys?

HARRY:
Probably looking at some very fine jewelry, possible cash horde, odd marketable securities... Who knows? It's a gem. Grab your crowbar. Crowbars up.



You're a rotter, Mr. Grinch. You're the king Of sinful sots. Your heart's a dead tomato, blotched with moldy purple spots, Mr. Grinch.



MARV:
Which way?

HARRY:
We'll go around back, down the basement. Come on, follow me.

MARV:
I thought you said they were gone.

HARRY:
They were supposed to leave this morning.

MARV:
Let's get out of here.



KATE:
Miss, we have to use the phone, please. I'm sorry, it's an emergency. We really have to make a call.

LINNIE:
Please! Our brother's home alone.

MEGAN:
Just give us the phone!

KATE:
Thank you. I'm sorry, but thank you. Peter, I'm going to call the police. Why don't you book us a flight home? Here, get some change out of here. Call everybody you know. Oh, Leslie... here's my address book. You and Frank call everybody that's on our street. Maybe somebody can help us. What am I doing? Oh, hello? Hello? Oh, she'll have to call you back.



KEVIN:
This is ridiculous. Only a wimp would be hiding under a bed. And I can't be a wimp. I'm the man of the house.



KEVIN:
Hey, I'm not afraid anymore! I said, I'm not afraid anymore! Do you hear me? I'm not afraid anymore.



ROSE:
Village Police Department.

KATE:
Yeah, hi, look. I'm calling from Paris. I have a son who's home alone. Our phones there are out of order so I'd like somebody to go over to our house, tell him that we're coming home to get him.

ROSE:
Okay, let me connect you with the Family Crisis Intervention.

KATE:
No, this is not a family crisis.

ROSE:
Hold on. Larry, can you pick up? There's some lady on hold, sounds kind of hyper.

LARRY:
What line, Rose?

ROSE:
Two.

LARRY:
Family Crisis Intervention, Sergeant Balzac.

KATE:
I'm calling from Paris. I have a son who's home alone.

LARRY:
Has the child been involved in a violent altercation with a drunk, injured, or mentally ill member of his immediate family?

KATE:
No!

LARRY:
Has he been involved in a household accident?

KATE:
I don't know. I d-- I hope not.

LARRY:
Has the child ingested any poison and/or any other object lodged in his throat?

KATE:
No! He's just home alone! And I'd like somebody to go over to the house to see if he's all right. Just to check on him.

LARRY:
You want us to go to your house, just to check on him?

KATE:
Yes!

LARRY:
Let me connect you to the Police Department.

KATE:
No, they just transferred me to you.

LARRY:
Rose!

ROSE:
Yeah.

LARRY:
Hyper on 2. Hold on, please.

KATE:
No, please don't hang up. Please! Any luck?

LINNIE:
No. We couldn't get anybody.

KATE:
Leslie?

LESLIE:
Sorry, Kate. Nothing but a bunch of answering machines.

KATE:
Somebody pick up. Pick up!

ROSE:
Oh, hi, ma'am. It's you again.

KATE:
Yeah hi, look, I'm calling from Paris. I have a son who's home alone, and I...

ROSE:
Okay, okay, we'll send a policeman over to your house to check on your son.



OFFICER 1:
There's no one home. The house looks secure. Tell them to count their kids again.

OFFICER 2:
10-4.



PETER:
I can't believe you can't bump somebody or ask somebody...

AGENT:
I'm sorry, but there's no way I can do that.

PETER:
Well, isn't there a way like if you ask somebody? I mean, if you brought somebody up here and explained to them that this is an emergency...

AGENT:
I wish I could, but I cannot ask someone...

KATE:
They're sending a policeman over to the house to check on Kevin.

PETER:
Well, that's a relief. Everything here is booked.

KATE:
There's nothing to Chicago?

PETER:
There's nothing to Chicago, New York, Nashville, you name it. Everything's gone.

KATE:
What about a private plane?

AGENT:
No, I'm sorry. We don't do that.

PETER:
The only thing is a booking for all of us on Friday morning.

KATE:
Friday morn-- That's two days away.

PETER:
Look, honey. The kids are exhausted. You are exhausted. There's absolutely nothing more that we can do at this airport. Now I say we go over to Rob's, and that way we can call the police again. And they can get back to us.

KATE:
Peter, Kevin is there all by himself. I'm not leaving here unless it's on an airplane.

AGENT:
Madame, we are doing everything we can. Now, if you want to stay at the airport, maybe we can get you on standby. It is a possibility that a seat will open up.

PETER:
Is that okay?

KATE:
Yes. I'll wait.



KATE:
Bye. I'll miss you, honey.

PETER: Don't you get lost.



KEVIN:
I took a shower, washing every body part with natural soap, including all my major crevices between my toes and in my belly b***on, which I never did before but sort of enjoyed. I washed my hair with a**** formula shampoo and used creme rinse. I can't find my toothbrush, so I'll pick one up today. Other than that, I'm in good shape.



KEVIN:
All right! Buzz's life savings.



KEVIN:
I thought the Murphys went to Florida.



HARRY:
You know you're one of the great cat burglars of the world, Marv? You think you can keep it down a little in there?

JACK MURPHY:
Hi, you've reached the Murphy's. Please leave a message after you hear the beep.

PETER:
Jack, this is Peter McCallister again. We're in Paris at my brother's apartment. Let me give you the number here, okay. The country code is 3-3. The area code is 1-4 and the number is 694-876...

MARV:
Hey, Harry.

HARRY:
Yeah?

MARV:
That house we were at last night, was that the McCallister's?

HARRY:
Yeah.

MARV:
You're right. They're gone.

HARRY:
I knew they were.

MARV:
Silver tuna tonight.

HARRY:
Wow!



CASHIER:
How may I help you?

KEVIN:
Is this toothbrush approved by the American Dental A**ociation?

CASHIER:
Well, I don't know. It doesn't say, hon.

KEVIN:
Can you please find out?

CASHIER:
Herb.

HERB:
Yeah?

CASHIER:
I've got a question here about a toothbrush. Do you know, is this brush approved by the American Dental A**ociation?

HERB:
I don't know.

CASHIER:
Oh, hon, you pay for that here. Wait, son, you have to pay for that toothbrush. Son! Son! Hey! Jimmy, stop that boy!



JIMMY:
Hey! Hey! Shoplifter!





KEVIN
I'm a criminal.



HARRY:
What's so funny? What's so funny? What are you laughing at? You did it again, didn't you? You left the water running, didn't you? What's wrong with you? Why do you do that? I told you not to do it.

MARV:
Harry, It's our calling card!

HARRY:
Calling card.

MARV:
All the great ones leave their mark. We're the wet bandits.

HARRY:
You're sick, you know? You're really sick.

MARV:
I'm sick...?

HARRY:
Yes, you are.

MARV:
I'm not sick.

HARRY:
It's a sick thing to do!



HARRY:
We don't need that ca--

MARV:
Don't tell me what to do. I can do it if I want to. It's not sick. Hey, watch out!

HARRY:
Hey! Hey! You've gotta watch for traffic, you know...?

KEVIN:
Sorry.

HARRY:
Damn.

MARV:
Santy don't visit the funeral homes, buddy.

HARRY:
Okay, okay. Merry Christmas.

MARV:
What's the matter?

HARRY:
I don't like the way that kid looked at me. Did you see that?

MARV:
You ever seen him before?

HARRY:
I saw a hundred kids this week.

MARV:
Let's see what house he goes into.

MARV:
Why's he going faster?

HARRY:
I told you something's wrong. See, I knew he looked at me weird. Why would he run?

MARV:
Maybe he went in the church.

HARRY:
I'm not going in there.

MARV:
Me neither.

HARRY:
Let's get out of here.

KEVIN:
When those guys come back, I'll be ready.



MARV:
Did they come back?

HARRY:
From Paris?



HARRY:
We'll come back tomorrow. Maybe they'll be gone by then. We better get out of here before somebody sees us.



FRANK:
Attencion! Attencion! Look what I found in the kitchen.

GEORGETTE:
Frank, those are for later. Frank?

FRANK:
Mes pet**s enfants, do you want a little shrimp, huh?



PETER:
Do you speak English? Parlez Anglais? Well, is there... Did you get anybody? I am looking for my son! Do you know where he is?! No, I can't find anybody. They're all shopping. Nobody's home for the holidays. Never mind, forget it.



MEGAN:
This is so pointless.

BUZZ:
What?

MEGAN:
We're here rotting in this apartment. Kevin's at home. Mom's at the airport.

BUZZ:
So?

MEGAN:
You're not at all worried about Kevin?

BUZZ:
Why should I be? He's acted like a j*rk one too many times and this time he caught it in the b***.

MEGAN:
He's so little and helpless. Don't you think he's flipped out?

BUZZ:
The little trout can use a couple of days in the real world.

MEGAN:
You're not at all worried something might happen to him?

BUZZ:
No. For three reasons: A. I'm not that lucky, 2: We have smoke detectors, and D: we live in the most boring street in the United States of American, where nothing even remotely dangerous will ever happen. Period.



JOHNNY:
Who is it?

PIZZA BOY:
It's Little Nero's, sir. I have your pizza.

JOHNNY:
Leave it on the doorstep and get out of here.

PIZZA BOY:
Okay. But what about the money?

JOHNNY:
What money?

PIZZA BOY:
Well, you have to pay for your pizza, sir.

JOHNNY:
Is that a fact? How much do I owe you?

PIZZA BOY:
That'll be $11.80, sir.

JOHNNY:
Keep the change, you filthy animal.

PIZZA BOY:
Cheapskate.

JOHNNY:
Hey. I'm gonna give you to the count of 10 to get your ugly, yellow no-good keister off my property before I pump your guts full of lead. 1, 2, 10.

KEVIN:
A lovely cheese pizza, just for me.



KATE:
So we have the $500, the pocket translator, the two first-cla** seats; that's an upgrade from your coach...

IRENE:
Is that a real Rolex?

KATE:
Do you think it is?

IRENE:
No.

KATE:
But who can tell? I also have a ring.

IRENE:
Oh, that is beautiful!

ED:
Come on, Irene. They're boarding.

IRENE:
This gal has offered us two first-cla** tickets if we go Friday, plus a ring, a watch, a pocket translator, $500 and...

KATE:
The earrings. You love the earrings

ED:
She's got her own earrings. A whole shoebox full of them. Dangly ones. Come on.

IRENE:
No, but...

KATE:
I'm desperate. I'm begging you. From a mother to a mother. Please!

IRENE:
Oh, Ed.

KATE:
Please!

ED:
Oh, all right.





JOHNNY CARSON:
"Dear Santa, I got a little sister last year. This year I'd rather have some Clay-Doh."

KEVIN:
I didn't mean it. If you come back, I'll never be a pain in the b*** again. I promise. Good night.



"I'm dreaming of a white Christmas
Just like the ones I used to know
Where those treetops glisten
And children listen
To hear sleigh bells in the snow
The snow





KEVIN:
Are those microwave dinners good?

KELLY:
I don't know.

KEVIN:
I'll give them a whirl. For the kids. Hold on, I got a coupon for that. It was in the paper this morning.

KELLY:
$19.83.

KEVIN:
Okay.

KELLY:
Are you here all by yourself?

KEVIN:
Ma'am, I'm 8 years old. You think I'd be here alone? I don't think so.

KELLY:
Where's your mom?

KEVIN:
My mom's in the car.

KELLY:
Where's your father?

KEVIN:
He's at work.

KELLY:
What about your brothers and your sisters?

KEVIN:
I'm an only child.

KELLY:
Where do you live?

KEVIN:
I can't tell you that.

KELLY:
Why not?

KEVIN:
Because you're a stranger.





KEVIN:
Shut up!



HARRY:
I don't get it. Right now, it looks like there's nobody home. Last night the place was jumping. Something ain't right. Go check it out.

MARV:
Now?

HARRY:
No, tomorrow, egghead! Now! Go ahead. "Now."



MARV:
Sh*t!

JOHNNY:
Get the hell out of here.

SNAKES:
All right, Johnny. But what about my money? Acey Said you had some dough for me.

JOHNNY:
Is that a fact? How much do I owe you?

SNAKES:
Acey Said ten percent.

JOHNNY:
Too bad Acey ain't in charge no more.

SNAKES:
What do you mean?

JOHNNY:
He's upstairs, taking a bath. He'll call you when he gets out. Hey, I tell you what I'm gonna give you, Snakes.

MARV:
Snakes?

JOHNNY:
I'm going to give you to the count of ten to get your ugly, yellow, no-good keister off my property, before I pump your guts full of lead.

SNAKES:
All right, Johnny. I'm sorry. I'm going.

JOHNNY:
1, 2, 10. Keep the change, you filthy animal.



HARRY:
What happened?

MARV:
I don't know who, but somebody just got blown away.

HARRY:
Huh?

MARV:
Somebody beat us to the job, they're in there. 2 of them. There was arguing. One blew the other one away.

HARRY:
Who?

MARV:
I don't know. I thought I recognized one of their voices. And I know I heard that name "Snakes" before.

HARRY:
Snakes? Snakes. Snakes. I don't know no Snakes.

MARV:
Snakes! Let's get out of here.

HARRY:
Hold it. Hold it. Let's wait and see who it is. We work this neighborhood, too. Supposing the cops finger us for a job, and they start asking us questions about a murder in the area. Wouldn't it be nice to have a face to go with their questions?

MARV:
That's a good idea.

HARRY:
Of course it's a good idea. Snakes!

MARV:
He sounded like a snake.



AGENT:
Everything's full.

KATE:
Everything's full?

AGENT:
I'm very sorry, but it is Christmas Eve.

KATE:
What about another airline?

AGENT:
Nothing available. May I help you get a hotel room in the city? Tomorrow afternoon, we can get you a flight to Chicago.

KATE:
I can't wait that long.

AGENT:
I'm terribly sorry, ma'am, but we're doing absolutely everything we can.

KATE:
Go ahead. Wait, I'm sorry. Excuse me. You've got places to go, people to see. You've got a ticket there. That's good. Excuse me. Look, I have been awake for almost 60 hours.I'm tired and I'm dirty. I have been from Chicago to Paris, to Dallas, to... Where the hell am I?

AGENT:
Scranton.

KATE:
I am trying to get home to my 8-year-old son. And now that I'm this close, you're telling me it's hopeless?

AGENT:
I'm sorry.

KATE:
No. No, no, no, no way. This is Christmas! The season of perpetual hope.

AGENT:
Ma'am if...

KATE:
And I don't care if I have to get on your runway and hitchhike. If it costs me everything I own, if I have to sell my soul to the Devil himself, I am going to get home to my son.

AGENT:
Ma'am, if there was anything at all I could do...

KATE:
Do it. Do anything.

AGENT:
I can get you a hotel room...

KATE:
What?!

GUS:
Excuse me. Can you excuse us for a second please? Can I see you for a second, please? Excuse us. I couldn't help but hear you got a little bit of a dilemma there. We got a crisis ourselves. Allow me to introduce myself. Gus Polinski. How are you? Polka King of the Midwest? The Kenosha Kickers? That's okay. I thought you might have recognized-- anyways. I had a few hits a few years ago. That's why I thought-- "Polka, Polka, Polka"? Polka, polka, polka. No? "Twin Legs Polka" "Yamahoozie Polka," a.k.a. "Kiss Me Polka"? "Polka Twist"?

KATE:
These are songs?

GUS:
Yeah. Yeah, we... Some fairly big hits for us. You know, in the early '70s. Yeah, we sold about 623 copies of that.

KATE:
In Chicago?

GUS:
No, Sheboygan. Very big in Sheboygan. They love us--

KATE:
I'm sorry, did you say you could help me?

GUS:
Anyway, I'm rambling on here. Our flight was canceled, so we got to drive. See the guy in the yellow jacket over there? He's going to rent us a nice big van and we're going to drive to Milwaukee. Now, I heard you had some problems getting to Chicago? To see your kid or something?

KATE:
My son. He-- We left, and he's there.

GUS:
Oh, jeez. If you have to get to Chicago, we'll gladly drive you. It's on the way to Milwaukee.

KATE:
You'd give me a ride?

GUS:
Sure we would, why not? You know, you've got to get home to see your kid.

KATE:
A ride to Chicago?

GUS:
Sure, you know, it's Christmastime.

KATE:
Thank you. Oh, thank you.

GUS:
If you don't mind going with polka bums?

KATE:
No, I'd love to.



HARRY:
Hey, Marv. Marv, Marv!

MARV:
Wha...?

HARRY:
Look at this. I think we're getting scammed by a kindergartner.



KEVIN:
Dad, can you come here and help me?



HARRY:
Remember that kid we saw the other day? He lives here.

MARV:
If the kid's here, the parents got to be.

HARRY:
He's home alone.



MARV:
What? You want to come back tonight?

HARRY:
Uh-huh.

MARV:
Even with the kid here?

HARRY:
Uh-huh.

MARV:
I don't think that's a good idea.

HARRY:
Look, that house is the only reason why we started working this block in the first place. Ever since I laid eyes on that house, I wanted it. So let's take it one step at a time. We'll unload the van, get a bite to eat, we'll come back about 9 o'clock.

KEVIN:
9 o'clock.

HARRY:
This way it's dark then.

MARV:
Yeah, kids are scared of the dark.

HARRY:
You're afraid of the dark too, Marv. You know you are.

MARV:
No, I'm not.

HARRY:
Yes, you are.

MARV:
Not, not, not.

HARRY:
You are so.

KEVIN:
Mom, where are you?



GUS:
Do you play? Do you want to try? Go ahead, try it. Try it!

Kate:
No.

GUS:
All right.



KEVIN:
Excuse me.

"ELF":
Yeah?

KEVIN:
Hey, nice shoes.

"ELF":
Oh, thanks.

KEVIN:
Is he still here? It's really important that I see him.

"ELF":
Well, he's getting in his car. If you hurry, you can catch him.



CHRIS:
Damn! How low can you get giving Chris Kringle a parking ticket on Christmas Eve! What's next, rabies shots for the Easter Bunny?

KEVIN:
Santa, hold on. Can I talk to you for a minute?

CHRIS:
Make it quick. Santa's got a little get-together he's late for.

KEVIN:
Okay, I know you're not the real Santa Claus.

CHRIS:
What makes you say that? Just out of curiosity.

KEVIN:
I'm old enough to know how it works.

CHRIS:
All right.

KEVIN:
But I also know you work for him. I'd like you to give him a message.

CHRIS:
Shoot.

KEVIN:
I'm Kevin McCallister, 671 Lincoln Blvd. Do you need the phone number?

CHRIS:
No, that's all right.

KEVIN:
Okay, this is extremely important. Would you please tell him that instead of presents this year, I just want my family back. No toys. Nothing but Peter, Kate, Buzz, Megan, Linnie and Jeff. And my aunt and my cousins. And if he has time, my Uncle Frank. Okay?

CHRIS:
Okay. I'll see what I can do.

KEVIN:
Thanks.

CHRIS:
Wait. My elf took the last of the candy canes home to her boyfriend.

KEVIN:
That's okay.

CHRIS:
No, don't be silly. Everybody who sees Santa has got to get something. Here, hold out your little paw there. There you go. Don't spoil your dinner.

KEVIN:
I won't. Thanks.

CHRIS:
Son of a...!





OLD MAN MARLEY:
Merry Christmas. May I sit down? There's my granddaughter up there. The little red-haired girl. She's about your age. You know her?

KEVIN:
No.

OLD MAN MARLEY:
You live next to me, don't you? You can say hello when you see me. You don't have to be afraid. There's a lot of things going around about me, but none of it's true. Okay? You've been a good boy this year?

KEVIN:
I think so.

OLD MAN MARLEY:
You swear to it?

KEVIN:
No.

OLD MAN MARLEY:
I had a feeling. Well, this is the place to be if you're feeling bad about yourself.

KEVIN:
It is?

OLD MAN MARLEY:
I think so.

KEVIN:
Are you feeling bad about yourself?

OLD MAN MARLEY:
No.

KEVIN:
I've been kind of a pain lately. I said some things I shouldn't have. I really haven't been too good this year.

OLD MAN MARLEY:
Yeah.

KEVIN:
I'm kind of upset because I really like my family, even though sometimes I say I don't. Sometimes I even think I don't. Do you get that?

OLD MAN MARLEY:
I think so. How you feel about your family is a complicated thing.

KEVIN:
Especially with an older brother.

OLD MAN MARLEY:
Deep down, you'll always love him. But you can forget that you love him. You can hurt them, and they can hurt you. That's not just because you're young. You want to know the real reason why I'm here right now?

KEVIN:
Sure.

OLD MAN MARLEY:
I came to hear my granddaughter sing. And I can't come hear her tonight.

KEVIN:
You have plans?

OLD MAN MARLEY:
No. I'm not welcome.

KEVIN:
At church?

OLD MAN MARLEY:
You're always welcome at church. I'm not welcome with my son. Years back, before you and your family moved on the block, I had an argument with my son.

KEVIN:
How old is he?

OLD MAN MARLEY:
He's grown up. We lost our tempers, and I said I didn't care to see him anymore. He said the same, and we haven't spoken to each other since.

KEVIN:
If you miss him, why don't you call him?

OLD MAN MARLEY:
I'm afraid if I call that he won't talk to me.

KEVIN:
How do you know?

OLD MAN MARLEY:
I don't know. I'm just afraid he won't.

KEVIN:
No offense, but aren't you a little old to be afraid?

OLD MAN MARLEY:
You can be a little old for a lot of things. You're never too old to be afraid.

KEVIN:
That's true. I've always been afraid of our basement. It's dark, there's weird stuff down there, and it smells funn; that sort of thing. It's bothered me for years.

OLD MAN MARLEY:
Basements are like that.

KEVIN:
I made myself go down to do some laundry, and I found out it's not so bad. All this time I've been worried about it, but if you turn on the lights, it's no big deal.

OLD MAN MARLEY:
What's your point?

KEVIN:
My point is, you should call your son.

OLD MAN MARLEY
What if he won't talk to me?

KEVIN:
At least you'll know. Then you could stop worrying about it. Then you won't have to be afraid anymore. I don't care how mad I was, I'd talk to my dad ad. Especially around the holidays.

OLD MAN MARLEY:
I don't know.

KEVIN:
Just give it a shot, for your granddaughter anyway. I'm sure she misses you, and the presents.

OLD MAN MARLEY:
I send her a check.

KEVIN:
I wish my grandparents did that. They always send me clothes. Last year I got a sweater with a big bird knitted on it.

OLD MAN MARLEY:
Oh, that's nice.

KEVIN:
Not for a guy in the second grade. You can get beat up for something like that.

OLD MAN MARLEY:
Oh?

KEVIN:
Yeah. I have a friend who got nailed because there was a rumor he wore dinosaur pajamas.

OLD MAN MARLEY:
You better run along home where you belong. Think about what I said. All right?

KEVIN:
Okay.

OLD MAN MARLEY:
It's nice talking to you.

KEVIN:
Nice talking to you. What about you?

OLD MAN MARLEY:
Me?

KEVIN:
Yeah. You and your son.

OLD MAN MARLEY:
We'll see what happens. Merry Christmas.

KEVIN:
Merry Christmas.


This is my house. I have to defend it.





HARRY:
Okay, we'll check it out first. We can always come back for the truck.

MARV:
How do you want to go in?

HARRY:
We'll go to the back door. Maybe he'll let us in. You never know.

MARV:
Yeah, he's a kid. Kids are stupid.



KEVIN:
Bless this highly nutritious, microwaveable macaroni and cheese dinner, and the people who sold it on sale. Amen.

KEVIN:
This is it. Don't get scared now.

HARRY:
Merry Christmas, little fella. We know that you're in there, and that you're all alone.

MARV:
Yeah, come on, kid. Open up. It's Santy Claus and his elf.

HARRY:
We're not gonna hurt you.

MARV:
No, no. Got some nice presents for you.

HARRY:
Be a good little fella now and open the door.

MARV:
What? What? What? What? What happened?

HARRY:
Get that little...

KEVIN:
Hello. Yes! Yes!

MARV:
The little j*rk is armed!

HARRY:
That's it! That's it! I'm going in the front. You go down the basement!





MARV:
Ow!






Oh, boy. That's it, you little... You little... No, not this time, you little brat. Where are you, you little creep? Where are you?

KEVIN:
Yes! Yes, yes yes yes yes!

KEVIN:
Yes! Yes, yes yes yes yes!





HARRY:
I'm going to rip his head off! You're dead, kid.





HARRY:
Where are you, you little creep?!



MARV:
Harry, I'm coming in!



KEVIN:
Oh, no! I'm really scared.

HARRY:
It's too late for you, kid, we're in the house. We're gonna getcha.

KEVIN:
Okay, come and get me!

HARRY:
Why, you... Now you're dead!



MARV:
I'm gonna kill that kid!

HARRY:
Marv!

MARV:
Harry?

HARRY:
Why the hell did you take your shoes off?

MARV:
Why the hell are you dressed like a chicken?

KEVIN:
I'm up here, you morons. Come and get me. You guys give up, or are you thirsty for more?

HARRY:
Heads up!

MARV:
Huh?

HARRY:
Don't worry, Marv. I'll get him for you.

KEVIN:
Yes!

MARV:
He's only a kid, Harry. We can take him.

HARRY:
Ah, shut up, will you?

MARV:
Ooh...

HARRY:
What is it?

MARV:
You're missing some teeth.

HARRY:
Where? It's my gold tooth. My gold tooth. I'll kill him. I'll kill him! You bomb me with one more can, kid, and I'll snap off your cajones and boil them in motor oil!



OPERATOR:
911 emergency.

KEVIN:
Hello, my house is being robbed. My address is 656 Lincoln Boulevard. My name is Murphy.



HARRY:
Watch it. You never know what's up there. There he is!

MARV:
Ah! I got you! I got him, Harry. I got him! Harry, get up. Give me a hand! I got him! Harry, help me. Get up! I got him.





HARRY:
What are you doing, Marv?

MARV:
Harry, don't move.

HARRY:
Marv?

MARV:
Don't... move.

HARRY:
Marv, what are you doing? Marv?

MARV:
Did I get him? Did I get him?! Where is it? Where is it?

HARRY:
Never mind that. Here! How do you like it, huh? You j*rk! Get that kid, before I... Get that kid!



HARRY:
Where'd he go?

MARV:
Maybe he committed suicide.

KEVIN:
Down here, you big horse's a**! Come and get me before I call the police!

MARV:
Let's get him!

HARRY:
Wait, wait. Just what he wants us to do: is go back downstairs through his fun house so we get all tore up.

MARV:
He's gonna call the cops!

HARRY:
He's not calling the c-- from a tree house?! Come on.

MARV:
Out the window?

HARRY:
Yeah.

MARV:
I'm not going out the window.

HARRY:
Why, are you scared, Marv? Are you afraid? Come on, get out here. Come on. Come on! Come on. Keep going.

MARV:
Let's go back, Harry.

HARRY:
Shut it, Marv.

KEVIN:
Hey, guys? Check this out.

HARRY:
Go back. Go back.



HARRY:
There he is! You're letting him get away...

MARV:
There he is!

KEVIN:
Hey, I'm calling the cops!

HARRY:
Wait, wait! He wants us to follow him. I got a better idea. Come on.

(CUT TO




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