Deadpool 2 Script Lyrics

20th Century Fox Lyrics


OPENING CREDITS

CUT TO: INT. APARTMENT

A lighter clinks. Cut to close-up of Deadpool smoking. He winds up a music box and places it on his desk. He presses the b***on starting the music box. “All Out Of Love” by Air Supply begins playing. Deadpool walks through his apartment. He knocks some cups over. He turns all of the dials on the oven on and breathes in the gas. He takes a Toaster Strudel out of a mini-oven and throws it across the room. He smokes again, then pulls down his mask. Cut to a shot of a number of pictures on the wall of the apartment. Cut to Deadpool laying down on some barrels of gasoline and continuing to smoke. He flicks his cigarette up into the air. In comes back down and lands in one of the barrels, causing them to explode. He is consumed in the explosion, and his limbs fly everywhere, with one hand flipping off the camera as it goes.

DEADPOOL: F**k Wolverine. First, he rides my coattails with the R rating. Then the hairy motherf**ker ups the ante by dying. What a d**k. Well, guess what, Wolvie? I'm dying in this one, too.

CUT TO: EXT. HONG KONG

Cut to a shot of a city. “X Gon' Give It to Ya” by DMX starts playing. The camera pans to Deadpool sitting on a rooftop as he narrates.

DEADPOOL: To understand why I took a cat-nap on 1,200 gallons of high-test fuel, I need to take you back to the dewy slopes of six weeks ago. I'd gone international, taking out ma** murderers, gangsters, unspeakable monsters. People nobody would touch. Except me. I'm gonna touch them all over.

Cut to inside the building. A man at a bar gets a phone call. He answers it.

DEADPOOL: Hey, it's Gail calling. Love the shiny suit. Really brings out the sex trafficker in your eyes.

MAN: Whatever they’re paying you, I’ll double it.

DEADPOOL: I don't speak Cantonese, Mister…

Cut to Deadpool. He looks at a business card with some cantonese written on it.

DEADPOOL: Well, I'm not even gonna attempt that. But I did take 8th grade Spanish, so, Where is the library? Which literally translates to, I don't bargain, pumpkin f**ker.

Deadpool throws his phone away. He leaps off the building through the window of another building, kicking the man he was on the phone with. A number of men at a nearby table get up and point their guns at Deadpool. He begins counting them.

DEADPOOL: Uno, dos, tres, cuatro…

The men all shoot him. He jumps over the counter of the bar. He appears dead for a moment and the bartender begins to move. She jumps when he sits up, and he shushes her. He takes her cigarette from her and puts it out.

DEADPOOL: I'll take a cranberry-grapefruit vodka. I know it's called a Sea Breeze. Don't make me say it. Hit it, Dolly.

“9 to 5” by Dolly Parton begins playing. Deadpool jumps back over the counter and pulls out his sword. He takes the men by surprise, killing them one by one.

DEADPOOL: Taking the hands out of the guns of the criminals!
CUT TO: EXT. SICILY

Cut to a funeral. Deadpool sits up from the coffin and fires at the men in the audience.

DEADPOOL: Whoo! Do not go in there!

CUT TO: INT. TOKYO

Deadpool sword fights with some men in a sauna, killing many of them. Some blood sprays in his eyes.

DEADPOOL: Oh, God! Oh, God, time out! Time out! Cut. Got bad guy blood, right in my open eye. Oh, that's so gross. F**k.

He wipes his mask. He looks up to see he’s using the towel of a man standing next to him.

DEADPOOL: Scoutmaster Kevin?

CUT TO: INT: BILOXI

The camera pans in on a party. A stripper is revealed to be Deadpool.

DEADPOOL: Too exotic?

Deadpool throws a business card on a table. All the nearby men get up and begin firing at Deadpool. He jumps down and begins killing them.

DEADPOOL: My world tour brought me home to this guy, Sergei Valishnikov.
CUT TO: INT GARAGE

Deadpool fights a number of men in a garage. Sergei runs away from the fighting. Chaos ensues as Deadpool continues to narrate.

DEADPOOL: But we'll get to him in a moment. 'Cause I know what you're thinking. "I'm so glad I left the kiddos at home." But that's where you'd be wrong. That babysitter of yours is high as f**k right now. And, believe it or not, Deadpool 2 is a family film. True story. And every good family film starts with a vicious murder. Bambi, The Lion King, Saw 7. Holy sh*t pickles! That guy's on fire. That's not CGI, folks. He's actually on fire. Yeah. You know I get paid to take out bad guys, right? But this guy? He was one of the worst of 'em.

Sergei seals himself in a room. Deadpool looks up from the carnage. Sergei watches a security camera from inside as one of his men screams at him.

MAN: Hurry up and open this f**king door, and let's kill this motherf**ker!

Deadpool shoots the man, splattering his blood on the camera. Deadpool walks over, pulls up a nearby box to step on and reach the camera, and wipes the blood off the camera.

DEADPOOL: Ugh. So gross. A panic room? Really? Can you come out?

An alarm on Deadpool’s watch beeps.

DEADPOOL: I really have to go. It's my anniversary.

A large group of men enters behind Deadpool. He turns to them.

CUT TO: EXT. ALLEYWAY

A man is heard talking on the radio. Cut to inside a taxi in the alley. Dopinder sits inside listening to the radio.

MAN: Over and over, I hear people say, "I just don't have enough confidence." Listen, confidence is not something you have. It's something you create. And you can create it at any moment in time. A sense of confidence is nothing but a sense of power within yourself. A sense of certainty that you can pull something off.

Deadpool runs to the taxi, followed by the large group of men, and leaps through the window.

DEADPOOL: Dopinder! Start the f**king car!

Dopinder screams and speeds away. The taxi exits the alley as the men stop chasing. Cut back into the taxi.

DEADPOOL: Whoo!

DOPINDER: Oh, I sh*t my pants.

DEADPOOL: Actually, that may have been me.

DOPINDER: Oh, mission accomplished?

DEADPOOL: Well, in a George W. Sort of way. F**ker can't stay in a panic room forever. Oh, you're living the dreams, DP.

DEADPOOL: It has been quite the run, Dopinder, and who'da thought? Now I'm talked about in the same sentence as Jesus.

Deadpool looks to the camera.

DEADPOOL: Pa**ion of the Christ, then me. At least domestically. We beat them overseas, where there's no such thing as religion.

DOPINDER: I do want to live the dreams, Pool Boy. Taxiing is not as sexy as it looks. I want to fill my-

Deadpool begins climbing into the front seat.

DEADPOOL: Pockets? What's your poison? A little, uh, cokey cokey? Can't maintain an erection without buying shoes online? I've never experienced that last one. Talk to me, Goose.

DOPINDER: I was going to say "soul.” I want to fill my soul. I want to belong to something, like you, Pool, sir.

DEADPOOL: Dopinder...

DOPINDER: Hmm?

DEADPOOL: You never cease to surprise me. You know, the depth of your heart is extraordinary. We all need a sense of belonging. We all need a genuine sense of home. A place in this world.

DOPINDER: I want to become a contract killer.

DEADPOOL: I'm sorry. What did you say?

DOPINDER: Remember when I kidnapped Bandhu and threatened him with great violence?

DEADPOOL: You kind of killed him.

DOPINDER: And then remember the movie Interview with the Vampire?

DEADPOOL: Don't want to.

DOPINDER: When Tom Cruise fed 10-year-old Kirsten Dunst blood for the first time, and she looked up at his smooth, handsome face and said, "I want some more." Oh, Pool, picture me, a 10-year-old Kirsten Dunst.

DEADPOOL: I'll never not picture that. But I can't wait to never speak of this, as soon as possible. We're here.

Dopinder slams the brakes. Deadpool gets out of the cab.

DOPINDER: You're my Tom Cruise!

DEADPOOL: And you're my Kristen Dunst! Kristen? Kirsten?

CUT TO: INT. WADE’S APARTMENT

Wade enters his apartment. Vanessa is sitting, waiting for him.

WADE: Sorry I'm late. There was a bunch of handicapable children stuck in a tree, and I had to, uh...

VANESSA: Uh-uh.

WADE: You're right. I was fighting a caped bada**. But then we discovered his mom is named Martha, too.

VANESSA: No.

WADE: Traffic? Hmm?

Vanessa breaks into a smile.

VANESSA: Kiss me like you miss me, Red.

WADE: Well, come here.

Vanessa walks over and jumps into Wade’s arms. They begin making out.

WADE: I'm gonna shower and get out of this suit.

VANESSA: Don't you want your surprise?

WADE: Do I look like a patient burn victim? I got one for you, too.

They toss each other presents.

WADE: Happy anniversary, baby. Open, open, open.

Vanessa opens the gift. It’s a Skee-Ball token.

WADE: Skee-Ball token.

VANESSA: Our first date.

WADE: Yup. That's genuine, high-grade lead.

She kisses it.

VANESSA: I'll keep it forever. Thank you, baby.

They kiss.

VANESSA: Open yours.

WADE: All right, all right.

He opens his present. It’s an IUD.

WADE: Oh… That's just the most beautiful thing that I've… I don't know what this is.

VANESSA: My IUD.

WADE: A bomb?

VANESSA: No, d**k for brains. My birth control device.

WADE: What, you mean that your...

VANESSA: Baby factory's open for business.

WADE: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I want a boy! Or a little girl! Definitely one or the other! Oh! And I want our kid to have only one name. Like Cher or Todd.

VANESSA: You gotta pump a baby in me first, cowboy.

WADE: Yes, I do. Let's watch some p*** and show that bed who's boss.

VANESSA: Let's do that.

He whisks her off screen. Cut to a shot of their TV. They’re watching Yentl. Cut to Wade and Vanessa cuddling on their couch.

WADE: Does this song sound familiar to you?

VANESSA: May. Connor, if it's a boy. May, if it's a girl.

WADE: So weird. Family was always an F-word to me. My pile of sh*t father took off and bailed. I mean, it's not like I have a lot of strong role models to draw off of for Todd.

She gets up and looks at him.

VANESSA: Hey. Look at me. You are not your father. Besides, I will never, ever let our child be named Todd.

WADE: But here's the thing, isn't that how it always works? Like in Star Wars, men are destined to become their father, and then have consensual sex with their sister?

VANESSA: I think you missed big, big chunks of that movie.

WADE: No, I'm pretty sure Luke nailed her.

VANESSA: Baby, that's Empire. The point is, kids, they give us a chance to be better than we are. Better than we used to be.

WADE: You're a lot smarter than I look. I'm gonna go make dessert. You get the strap-on. Let's make a super baby.

He gets up from the couch.

VANESSA: Pretty sure it doesn't work that way, but we can try.

In the kitchen, Wade prepares some Toaster Strudels. Vanessa remains on the couch listing off baby names.

VANESSA: What about Krystal? But with a "K"? It's too stripper-y. Kevin with a "K"! No, too stripper-y, too.

Everything slows down. Wade turns towards the door.

VANESSA: Uh, Earl! He's gonna go straight to jail if we name him Earl. What about Bruce? No.

WADE: Get down.

VANESSA: What?

A shot is fired through the door. Wade picks up a frying pan. Some men enter. Vanessa jumps behind the couch. Wade quickly dispatches a series of men with objects from the kitchen as they try to shoot him.

WADE: Baby? Baby?

Vanessa gets up from behind the couch.

VANESSA: I'm okay.

WADE: Thank God I didn't have to use the cream cheese spreader.

Vanessa looks behind Wade in shock. Things return to slow motion. He turns, throwing the cream cheese spreader. Cut to Sergei in the doorway. Wade misses, and the cream cheese spreader gets lodged in the doorframe. Sergei fires a shot and hits Vanessa. Wade runs over to her. She begins to fall. Wade catches her before she hits the floor. Wade inaudibly mouths, “Please,” repeatedly, then, “Baby, I’m so sorry,” and finally, “No!” The microwave oven timer dings. Wade looks up. He jumps out of his window and lands near Sergei on a car in an alley. Wade begins to pursue Sergei. Sergei crosses a street and Wade is hit by a car. Sergei gets in his car and peels off but swerves and crashes into oncoming traffic. Wade gets up from the street and begins running over. He headb***s Sergei’s car window, throwing Sergei out the other side. Wade walks over, lifts Sergei up, and stares at him for a few moments. He then hugs Sergei, and after a few moments, pulls him into traffic, getting both of them crushed by a pa**ing ambulance. The screen fades to black.

OPENING CREDITS

CUT TO: INT. BAR

Wade sits at Weasel’s bar. He holds the skee ball token in his hand.

WADE: Papa, can you hear me? Is it just me, or does “Do You Want to Build a Snowman?” from Frozen sound suspiciously like “Papa, Can You Hear Me?” From Yentl? Papa, can you hear me? And nobody f**king realizes it.

WEASEL: Go home. You've been here for three days, okay? You smell like somebody sh*t in a Civil War wound after it had become gangrenous. They should've just amputated it. Why sh*t in it? Doesn't make any sense.

Dopinder pa**es by holding a mop.

DOPINDER: I love Frozen.

WADE: I loved her. I loved her like an ocean loves water.

WEASEL: An ocean is water.

WADE: More importantly, I liked her. I really liked her, you know? George Michael was right. I'm never gonna dance again. F**k! He's dead, too. At least we still have Bowie.

Weasel looks at Dopinder and shakes his head.

WEASEL: Yeah. We still have Bowie.

Dopinder winks.

WEASEL: I'm sorry. Shot after shot, it's not gonna change the fact that I think you're, are you p*ssing? Are you urinating right now? You're making the face that you make when you urinate.

Cut to a shot of below the bar. Wade is urinating heavily onto the floor.

WEASEL: Is he p*ssing?

DOPINDER: I'm on it!

Dopinder begins mopping beneath Wade.

WEASEL: There you go, Dopinder. If you want to be a contract killer, you gotta handle a mop before you handle a gun.

DOPINDER: Although I don't quite understand how they are at all similar.

WEASEL: Well, they both have handles. Now, leave me.

Dopinder walks away.

WEASEL: Go home, Wade. I don't have a home, Weas, you know. I got a-

Wade falls off of his stool. Buck catches him.

WADE: F**k! Okay, I'm fine. I'm fine.

BUCK: You know what "fine" stands for, Wade? F**ked up, insecure, needy, and emotional. According to the...

WADE: Kubler-Ross.

BUCK: Yeah. According to the Kubler-Ross model, denial is just one of the five stages of grief.

WADE: Jesus Christ, Buck! No more speaking lines for you.

Wade walks away.

CUT TO: AL’S APARTMENT

Cut to Al walking in her kitchen with a teapot. She laughs while listening to the radio. Wade enters silently. He moves her couch and carpet out of the way and pulls out a floorboard, revealing a hidden stash of drugs and weapons. Al walks over from the kitchen. Wade quickly returns everything to the way it was. As Al sits down on her couch, Wade talks along with one of the lines from the radio show.

WADE: "I'm thinking it over!"

Al whips out a gun.

AL: Motherf**k! F**k! The hell you doin' here? Don't you know how to knock?

WADE: I thought you saw me… with your ears.

AL: You're lucky I didn't shoot you in the-

WADE: The wall? The refrigerator? I'm in so much pain.

He falls over on the floor.

AL: I heard the news, sweetie. I'm very sorry. I am.

WADE: What am I gonna do, Al?

AL: Probably something terrible. Knowing you.

WADE: It was my fault. I f**king did this. And all I wanna do is grab her and see her and tell her that I'm sorry, and I can't. She's gone.

AL: Sweetheart, can you speak up? It's a little hard to hear you with that pity d**k in your mouth. Now, look, sugar. You need to just keep living.

WADE: Thank you, Matthew McConaughey, your words are a treasure.

AL: Listen to the pain. It's both history teacher and fortune teller. Pain teaches us who we are, Wade. Sometimes, it's so bad, we feel like we're dying. But we can't really live till we've died a little, can we? Wade? Wade?

Wade has gotten back up and put on his mask with a bag of cocaine over his mouth.

WADE: I'm right here, Althea. And that is the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. You're absolutely right.

He slams his hand into his face, bursting open the bag of cocaine. He coughs and inhales some.

WADE: I'm about to do something terrible.

CUT TO: WADE’S APARTMENT

Deadpool sits on the barrels of oil in his apartment. “All Out Of Love” by Air Supply plays on the music box.

DEADPOOL: There. All caught up. You can't really live until you've died a little. Let's test that theory, shall we?

The same scene from before the credits plays out again, sped up. He flicks his cigarette up into the air. In comes back down and lands in one of the barrels, causing them to explode. He is consumed in the explosion, and his limbs fly everywhere, with one hand flipping off the camera as it goes. The screen cuts to black. We see flashes of Wade falling through a mysterious space, with visions of himself and Vanessa in the background. Wade swims downwards as quotes from conversations between him and Vanessa from this and the previous movie play. Cut to Wade in a hazy version of his apartment. Vanessa sits nearby. He tries to walk towards her, but is stopped by an invisible wall.

WADE: Ness? Ness? Ness. Ness, there's something here. I can't get to you.

VANESSA: Your heart's not in the right place.

WADE: Wait, hold on. What?

VANESSA: Your heart's not in the right place.

WADE: Wait. What do you mean my heart's not in the right place? What does it...

Behind him, the microwave oven begins rapidly ticking. He turns to look at it, then back to Vanessa. The timer dings. He is pulled from the room and out through the water. The screen cuts to black. Cut to Colossus entering the burned down remains of the apartment. He sees some of Wade’s limbs scattered around.

CUT TO: EXT. X-MANSION

Cut to Colossus walking.

COLOSSUS: I'm terribly sorry for your loss, Wade. You're broken.

Colossus is shown to be walking towards the X-Mansion, dragging a body bag behind him.

WADE: Oh, God. I know that voice.

CUT TO: INT. X-MANSION

Wade lays on a couch. Colossus walks past.

WADE: Heart's in the right place. Heart's in the right… What does that mean?

COLOSSUS: You've been sleep for three days. I took the liberty of dressing you.

Colossus sits down nearby.

WADE: No sh*t. Why can't I f**king die?

COLOSSUS: Take your mask off, Wade. We must talk.

Wade takes off his mask.

COLOSSUS: You need fresh start. With training, you can be X-Man.

WADE: You're wasting your time, Shiny Jesus. I'm not X-Man material.

Cut to a full shot of the room. Negasonic Teenage Warhead and Yukio stand near the entrance.

NEGASONIC: Understatement of the year. Wade, Yukio. Yukio, Wade.

Yukio raises her hand to wave. Negasonic and Yukio’s hands are interlocked.

WADE: What in the f**k knuckles is this?

NEGASONIC: She's my girlfriend, you intolerant sh*t.

WADE: Whoa! Pump the hate brakes, Fox & Friends. I'm just surprised anyone would date you. Especially Pinkie Pie from My Little Pony.

Wade winks. Yukio smiles.

YUKIO: I like this guy.

NEGASONIC: Give him a chance. It's great seeing you like this.

WADE: Yeah.

YUKIO: Bye, Wade!

Negasonic leaves, followed by Yukio. Colossus begins reading from the X-Men manual.

COLOSSUS: Now, some ground rules while under our roof. Rule number one. No killing anyone ever, no matter how bad. Rule two. Label everything in refriger- Wade?

Cut to the couch. Wade is gone.

COLOSSUS: Wade? Wade!

Cut to Wade. He’s riding Professor X’s wheelchair through the mansion.

WADE: Don't try to chase me. I'm not ready to be touched again. All these elderly white men on the walls, should have brought my rape whistle.

Wade pa**es by a statue and hits the podium it’s on, knocking it over.

WADE: Hi. Those were already damaged after they fell there!

Cut to Wade riding into the main foyer.

WADE: What am I supposed to do around here, anyway? Sit in a share circle, talk about my feelings? And how would I do that exactly?

Colossus enters behind him.

WADE: 'Cause where the f**k is everyone?

Wade begins spinning around in the wheelchair.

WADE: It's always just you and Negasonic Teenage Longest Name Ever...

COLOSSUS: Enough!

Colossus grabs Wade, stopping the chair. Wade gasps.

WADE: I said no touching!

Colossus throws him from the wheelchair. He gets up nearby.

WADE: What the f**k? You'd think the studio would throw us a bone. They can't just dust off one of the famous X-Men? How 'bout that putz with the giant pigeon wings? What do those do anyway, huh?

While Wade continues talking, we see a number of X-Men in the room next to him, with the door open. Beast closes the door.

WADE: Carry him three feet off the ground to snatch up the nearest muffin crumb? No, no, no! I am not X-Man material at all. First off, I'm not even a virgin. Second and more-

Colossus picks Wade up and throws him against a nearby wall, holding him above the ground.

COLOSSUS: I should have left you in the self-pitying mess I found you in. But this is what friends do. They show up! Not when convenient or easy. When hard, and you always make it hard. You are unwell. I'm sticking my neck out bringing you here!

WADE: Wait. One of the a**holes who killed Vanessa got away.

Colossus lets Wade go.

WADE: Oh, Jesus Christ!

COLOSSUS: Wade, whoever they are, we track them down and bring them to justice.

WADE: It was me. I'm the a**hole who got away. I killed every last one of them, except me. Couldn't kill me. We were gonna start a family. We were, uh… We were gonna be a family.

COLOSSUS: Wade, Vanessa is gone. She's not coming back. This may not be family you want, but it's family you need. You have a good heart. It belongs here where it can grow.

WADE: What did you say? About my heart?

Wade hugs Colossus.

WADE: I think I'm in the right place.

Wade grabs Colossus’s b***. Colossus tries to move his hand, but relents.

CUT TO: INT. CABLE’S HOUSE

Cut to a close up of Cable’s face. His eye opens. The camera pulls back. He stands in the ruins of his house. In front of him lay the charred corpses of his wife and daughter, along with his daughter’s burnt teddy bear. He leans down to inspect them. He picks up the teddy bear. Cut to him preparing to time travel. He searches through different times before choosing one. As he begins to transport, he screams.

CUT TO: INT. X-MANSION

Establishing shot of the X-Mansion. Cut to inside. Colossus enters the room with a jersey.

COLOSSUS: Wade. Wade!

Cut to Wade. He’s hooked up to Cerebro.

WADE: Hey, I was just taking Cerebro for a spin here, looking deep into the future. Phew. This thing...

COLOSSUS & WADE: That's not how Cerebro works.

WADE: Yes. Yes, it is.

COLOSSUS & WADE: We have mission.

WADE: We do. You do. You guys be safe out there.

COLOSSUS: No, I want you to join.

WADE: No, you want me to join. I'm sorry, what?

COLOSSUS: You are ready.

WADE: That's a terrible idea, and it's gonna end badly. You wanna know how I know? I'll give you a hint. It's on my head and smells like Patrick Stewart.

COLOSSUS: Be at the X-Jet in five.

He throws the jersey on a nearby chair and leaves. Wade accidentally breaks the Cerebro helmet and gets up.

CUT TO: EXT. ORPHANAGE

We see footage of the orphanage from newsreel shot from a helicopter. Russell stands outside surrounded by Police.

IRENE: Irene Merryweather, WHIT News. Live here at a breaking news situation at the Essex House for Mutant Rehabilitation.

Cut to a shot of Irene.

IRENE: A mutant boy is appearing to have some sort of an incident, with police here behind me.

RUSSELL: Get away from me!

IRENE: There are two police vehicles that are overturned.

Daniel tries to approach Russell.

IRENE: There are open fires.

RUSSEL: F**k off! Stay back!

Daniel backs away.

IRENE: A scene of absolute chaos here.

RUSSELL: I'll burn you! You stay back! Get away from me! You wanna f**king die?

Cut to the X-Jet arriving. It lands near the scene.

IRENE: And it appears as if the X-Men are arriving-

Cut to a shot of Negasonic, Colossus, and Deadpool walking towards the scene.

DEADPOOL: Scatter!

Deadpool shoves some police out of the way as he jogs forwards.

DEADPOOL: Everyone, calm down! The pros are here. I… We're the X-Men! A dated metaphor for racism in the '60s. So, respect.

He holds up his fist to a nearby black officer. The officer tentatively raises his hand.

DEADPOOL: At ease, Officer.

Colossus spins Deadpool around.

COLOSSUS: What are you doing?

DEADPOOL: My job! You're the one who said I was ready, and I frankly disagreed with you. But here we are, trying to overcome our differences. Like Beyonce says, "Please… Please, stop cheating on me."

OFFICER: Hey! This is the fifth incident. This kid needs to be in the Ice Box, not here.

DANIEL: Russell belongs in our care. Not in prison. I a**ure you, we have everything under control.

RUSSELL: I'll burn you!

Deadpool looks at the situation.

DEADPOOL: Not getting a real "under control" vibe here, Marty. It is Glen, isn't it?

DANIEL: Daniel.

DEADPOOL: I'll ask the questions. Let me talk to the kid. You stay here with your weird, secret sex lips.

RUSSELL: You wanna die?

DEADPOOL: This kid's adorable. I don't know why I packed the hollow points.

RUSSELL: I'll burn your balls off!

DEADPOOL: First day. I'm so nervous!

NEGASONIC: Did you just say "hollow points"?

DEADPOOL: Yeah, probably should've brought a Super Soaker.

Deadpool pokes his finger in Negasonic’s ear. She swats him away. He laughs, then approaches Russell.

DEADPOOL: Hi, there!

RUSSELL: Stay back or Justin Bieber dies!

Russell points at Negasonic.

DEADPOOL: Justin Bieber. He called you Justin Bieber.

Russell prepares to attack.

DEADPOOL: Hold on! Wait, wait, wait! Okay, let's not do whatever that is. Okay? Let's just talk! It's Russell, right?

RUSSELL: Firefist.

DEADPOOL: Firefist. Ooh, that's a great name. Where does it burn? Just the fist, or all the way up to the elbow?

Russell shoots a fireball at Deadpool. Deadpool dodges and it hits Negasonic, sending her flying into a nearby truck.

DEADPOOL: Definitely all the way up to the elbow.

COLOSSUS: Come quietly, or there will be trouble.

RUSSELL: You stole that from Robocop!

DEADPOOL: That's from Robocop! Just stand down, you're embarra**ing me. Look, Fire… Oh, my God! I can't say it! I'm so sorry!

Russell sends another fireball at Deadpool, who dodges again. This time Colossus is hit. He’s sent flying back into a news van.

DEADPOOL: Oh, sh*t. That f**king does it.

Deadpool pulls out some guns and points them at Russell.

DEADPOOL: Put your hands behind your knees and get down on your head! Now!

COLOSSUS: Wade! What was first rule?

DEADPOOL: Label everything in the refrigerator!

COLOSSUS: Do not escalate!

DEADPOOL: Rules are meant to be broken!

COLOSSUS: That's the exact opposite of what they're meant for!

DEADPOOL: F**k! Fine.

He puts the guns down.

DEADPOOL: I'll start from the beginning. My name is Deadpool, and I'm an X-Man.

NEGASONIC: Trainee!

DEADPOOL: Shut it!

Deadpool slowly approaches Russell.

DEADPOOL: Look, I get it. All right, you're scared. Alone. You got no family. I didn't have a family, either. You live in this dump. Guess what? I used to live in a sh*thole just like it.

Russell turns to see the headmaster descending down the steps of the building.

DEADPOOL: But you know something? To make matters worse… it's a confusing time in your life right now. Your body is going through some fiery changes. Too far? I went too far, didn't I?

Russell punches Deadpool into a nearby building. Inside, a young boy is eating cereal. Deadpool gets up.

DEADPOOL: That was effervescent.

Deadpool picks up the boy’s cereal box and signs it.

DEADPOOL: Stay in school, kid. Or don't. I didn't. And I'm an X-Man.

Deadpool throws the box to the side.

KID: Trainee.

DEADPOOL: F**k it!

He tears off his trainee jersey.

DEADPOOL: Superhero landing coming up!

He jumps out the window. Cut to the box of cereal, which he’s signed as Ryan Reynolds. He lands outside.

DEADPOOL: Ah, f**k, f**k, f**k! That is so not practical.

Russell throws another fireball at him. Deadpool gets up. He takes out one of his swords and throws it at Russell. The sword hits him in the forehead handle first, knocking him over. Deadpool jumps over a car. The crowd cheers.

DEADPOOL: I could get used to this X-Man sh*t.

NEGASONIC: Trainee!

DEADPOOL: Trainee!

OFFICER: Get a power restraint on him. Now!

DEADPOOL: Calm down, squirt. It's over. We got ya.

An officer puts a collar on Russell.

DEADPOOL: What's that do?

OFFICER: Power-dampening collar. Shuts down all mutant abilities. You can't get it off. Unless you've got a grenade.

DEADPOOL: Huh. Could've used one of those in the first act.

Cut to the headmaster, Daniel, and another orderly standing nearby.

HEADMASTER: Thank you. That was absolutely thrilling. True heroism in action. We are in your debt. We can take it from here.

RUSSELL: Take me to the Ice Box, please. Anywhere's better than here.

DEADPOOL: Believe me, son, you do not wanna go to the Ice Box.

HEADMASTER: Let's get you inside, young man.

The three men approach.

DEADPOOL: No, wait, wait. Wait. You just… You guys stay there.

Deadpool lifts up the collar on Russell and sees marks.

DEADPOOL: Those guys hurt you? Who? Baldilocks? Jared Kushner? Both of 'em?

Russell nods.

DEADPOOL: Oh, f**k it. Four or five moments!

DANIEL: I'm sorry?

Deadpool stands up.

DEADPOOL: Four or five moments! That's all it takes to be a hero.

He gestures to Negasonic and Colossus. Negasonic flips him off.

DEADPOOL: People think you wake up a hero, brush your teeth a hero, ejaculate into a soap dispenser a hero.

Colossus holds his hands up to his nose and says something in Russian.

DEADPOOL: But, no, being a hero takes only a few moments

The headmaster checks his watch.

DEADPOOL: A few moments, doing the ugly stuff no one else will do.

Deadpool pulls out a gun. He shoots Daniel in the forehead and tries to shoot the headmaster.

COLOSSUS: No!

Negasonic looks shocked. Colossus tackles Deadpool.

COLOSSUS: Wade, what did you do?

Colossus raises his fist to hit Deadpool.

NEGASONIC: Colossus, no!

DEADPOOL: That kid was abused! You can tell. You can always tell!

COLOSSUS: We have rules! You are not judge, jury, or executioner!

DEADPOOL: F**k your rules! I fight for what's right! And sometimes you gotta fight dirty!

COLOSSUS: You let me down for the last time, Wade.

Colossus gets up. Russell watches as Deadpool is surrounded by officers and has a collar placed on him. The camera zooms out.

CUT TO: EXT. ICE BOX

The camera pans over some rocks to reveal an armored truck entering a mountain. Cut to Wade and Russell entering the Ice Box side by side in prison uniforms. Some guards escort them. Other prisoners applaud as they pa** by.

WOMAN: Hey, baby!

WADE: I wonder what gang I'll be in. Is there, like, a Sorting Hat?

Wade waves at a prisoner with “MUTANT” tattooed on his forehead. One of the guards pushes Wade.

GUARD: Go!

Nearby, Black Tom, Sluggo, and another mutant watch Wade and Russell.

GUARD: Hard left, d*****bag.

Wade and Russell walk towards their cell.

WADE: Please, after you.

He gestures Russell past him.

WADE: Another disgusting mutant off the streets. God bless America. Let's get a taco.

Wade turns to leave. The guard tases him, and he falls to the floor of the cell.

GUARD: Nighty-night, you annoying prick.

The guard leaves and closes the door. Russell watches Wade on the ground in pain. As the camera pans away from their cell, Russell looks around the prison. The lights go off.

CUT TO: EXT. FIELDS

The screen cuts to black.

REDNECK 2: I'mma tell you what the big lie is. Toilet paper.

Cut to two rednecks sitting in the back of a truck near some fields.

REDNECK 2: Toilet paper is a plenty fine appetizer. But, then... Huggies Natural Care wet wipes. That's your main course.

Cable appears nearby and begins approaching the truck.

REDNECK 2: They're soft, they're moist. They're for babies. Finally, one more pa** with the toilet paper, maybe clear out that excess moisture. Maybe treat yourself to a blow and go, if you can get you a hair dryer. Just about 30 seconds will do you good.

Cable throws his gun in the back of the truck. Both rednecks get up and look at him.

REDNECK 2: The f**k?

CABLE: Year?

REDNECK 1: What?

CABLE: What year is it?

REDNECK 1: What kind of dumb-a** question is that to a-

Cable tases both rednecks. He takes their beer. “Escape ” by Rupert Holmes plays as Cable takes their truck and drives away.

CUT TO: INT. ICE BOX

Wade vomits in the toilet in the cell.

RUSSELL: You're a long way from your superpowers.

WADE: Yeah. F**k.

RUSSELL: I wanted to be a superhero. Always wanted a real super suit.

WADE: What happened?

RUSSELL: When was the last time you saw a plus-sized superhero? Never. The industry discriminates.

WADE: F**k superheroes.

RUSSELL: F**k everyone. The first thing I wanna do when I get out of here, burn the headmaster alive, and then take a selfie with his smoldering corpse.

WADE: Who says prison isn't reformative?

RUSSELL: F**ker hates mutants.

Cut to a flashback of the headmaster hugging Russell. He whispers in Russell’s ear.

HEADMASTER: Blessed are the wicked who are healed by my hand.

Cut to another flashback. The headmaster and some orderlies stand on stage in front of a crowd of orphans.

HEADMASTER: Your abilities. I know how seductive they are.

Daniel straps Russell to a chair. The headmaster stands in front of him.

HEADMASTER: Now, please don't cry.

The headmaster tortures Russell. Russell screams. Cut back to the Ice Box.

RUSSELL: Tomorrow, we'll find the biggest guy in here, and we'll make him our bi-

The whole facility shakes.

RUSSELL: What was that?

WADE: That is the biggest guy in here. Fun fact about the Ice Box, though no one's ever seen it, they keep a monster in the basement. Right next to a huge, steaming bowl of foreshadowing. Look. I can't protect you. With this collar on, my superpower is just unbridled cancer. Give me a bow and arrow, I'm basically Hawkeye. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got tumors to grow. Vanessa awaits.

RUSSELL: I'll start by making us a shank.

Russell walks to the bathroom.

WADE: Good listening.

RUSSEL: I stole that guard's pen, and stashed it in the old prison wallet, if you know what I'm saying.

Russell begins retrieving the pen.

WADE: Prison wallet? I really hope I don't know what you're saying. I can hear you rummaging around in there.

CUT TO: EXT. CITY

The camera pans up from an alley to a building. Cut to inside a building. Cable watches the news.

REPORTER: And to update you on the story reported earlier, after a lengthy standoff outside the Essex House for Mutant Rehabilitation, two mutants were arrested and transported to the Ice Box.

Cable looks at a table of guns. He scans them.

SCAN VOICE: Entering repair mode.

Cable begins a**embling a gun. Nearby, he’s placed the burnt teddy bear on a table.

CUT TO: INT. ICE BOX

Wade sits at a table eating.

P.A. SYSTEM: Cells seven and nine now off-limits for medical personnel. Cells seven and nine now off-limits for medical personnel.

Russell sits at the other end of the table. He gets Wade’s attention and winks at him.

WADE: Don't do that. What? Why are you winking at me?

Russell scoots across to Wade.

RUSSELL: I got your back.

WADE: Oh, my God.

RUSSELL: You're sick, I gotta protect you.

WADE: Just leave me alone, kid.

Whistling is heard off screen. Russell and Wade look up.

WADE: Oh, great.

Black Tom, Sluggo, and another mutant walk over to the table.

TOM: Well, hello there, new fish. It's nice to see some fresh faces around here.

WADE: I've done some light catalog work, but, really, modeling is just a stepping stone to acting.

TOM: I was talking to him.

WADE: Oh. Have we met? I can't place your mustache.

TOM: Black Tom Ca**idy.

WADE: White Wade Wilson. What's your superpower? Cultural appropriation?

TOM: You're supposed to be the toughest c**t in here. You don't look like much to me.

Russell pulls out the pen behind his back.

RUSSELL: First rule of the yard, f**kface.

Russell points his pen at Sluggo.

RUSSELL: Find the biggest guy and make him your-

Sluggo punches Russell in the face, sending the pen flying onto Wade’s food tray.

WADE: Second biggest guy.

Wade picks the pen off of his tray.

WADE: The last thing I need is more hepat**is. Oh, it's slippery, too. This table needs a wipe down! Can we get a wipe down on the table?

Tom takes the pen and stabs Wade’s hand.

TOM: Kid, I think you picked the wrong side.

RUSSELL: No, I didn't! He's my friend!

WADE: Zip it. We're not friends.

Russell turns back to Sluggo.

RUSSELL: You're about to get d**k-slapped.

Sluggo punches Russell again, knocking him out. Tom slaps Wade with his food tray, sending him to the ground. Tom gets up on the table. Nearby inmates cheer as Sluggo and another mutant kick Wade. Cut to Russell and Wade in their cell.

RUSSELL: I had so much fun! You were like, “Uh!” And I was like, "Take a seat, sh*t d**k."

WADE: Just let me die in peace.

RUSSELL: We make a great team!

WADE: Oh, my God, we're not a team.

RUSSELL: Why'd you say that back there? We're friends, partners.

WADE: We're not partners or friends. This doesn't end with us riding into the sunset. It ends with me dying of cancer, and you winning the Ice Box award for softest mouth. There's only one person in this world that I care about, and she's gone. You, you wanna survive? Stop trying to shank the biggest guys in here, and make friends with them. Make friends with someone. Anyone but me. Maybe even Black Tim. Black Evan, I don't know. All I remember is he was African-American.

Wade holds the skee ball token in his hand. Cut to two guards walking down a tunnel. Behind them, a wall explodes. Cable enters through the hole in the wall. Cut back to the cell. An alarm starts blaring. Russell notices some guards walk away from the maximum security cell. Cut to the prison control room. Cable enters and throws a grenade in, sending guards flying. Some cell doors begin opening.

P.A. SYSTEM: System malfunctioning. Cells 7, 12, 14, 27.

Some of the mutants escape. Guards chase them down.

GUARD: Back in your cells, you filthy mutants! Get in there!

Cut to Cable. He scans some wires.

SCAN VOICE: Searching. Cell 04 located.

Cable’s scan locates Wade and Russell’s cell. Cut to the cell. Wade attempts to get out.

WADE: Door won't open!

Outside the cell, Cable approaches some guards.

GUARD: On your f**king knees!

Cable quickly dispatches the guards. More cell doors open, including Wade and Russell’s. The run out. Cable shoots at the cell and it explodes. Wade and Russell are on some stairs nearby.

WADE: That was our cell.

Wade and Russell begin escaping.

WADE: What did I do to p*ss off a grumpy old f**ker with a Winter Soldier arm?

Cable sees the pair on a walkway above him and begins firing.

WADE: Get away from me, kid!

Wade fights through other prisoners to clear a path while Cable dispatches more guards to catch up.

WADE: Listen to me! Go!

Cable jumps up in front of them.

CABLE: Hello, Russell.

Cable aims his gun at Russell. Wade smacks it out of the way and begins wrestling it from Cable. Cable gets the upper hand. As he goes to kill Wade, Russell stabs Cable with the pen. Wade kicks Cable down. Russell runs down some stairs. Cable gets up and begins pursuing him. A guard corners Russell. Wade’s collar appears to be malfunctioning. As Cable throws the guard away, Wade jumps down and pushes Cable to the ground level. Wade hits a table, cracking his collar off. Cable lays nearby, incapacitated. Russell watches the two. As Cable gets up, Russell begins running again. Cable fires at him some more. He changes the dial on his gun, causing it to fire a bigger shot, and sending Russell to the ground level. Cut back to Wade, who gets up.

WADE: Hello, superpowers.

Cut to Cable running towards Russell. As he gets close, Wade hits him with a metal pole. They begin fighting.

CABLE: Who are you?

WADE: I'm Batman.

Wade picks up Cable’s gun and increases the dial. Cable shields himself.

WADE: Ooh!

Wade fires. It sends them both flying.

WADE: Oh. That's got some zip.

Wade gets up and walks over to Cable, who’s been thrown into another room.

WADE: Don't feel bad. Even I can't kill me. Talk! What kind of spineless sh*t stick tries to kill a 14-year-old boy? You might wanna start talking! 'Cause I got a long history of firing at times like this!

CABLE: The name's Cable. I'm from the future. Just walk away.

WADE: Oh! So, you're from the future. I have three questions then. One, is dubstep still a thing? Two, which Sharknado are we on? And three, at what point do audiences say, "Enough with the robotic arms?”

Cable pulls his gun back out of Wade’s arms and fires at the ceiling, knocking down a large metal structure. Wade tackles Cable and tries to take the gun from him. It fires, sending them both back into the metal structure and blowing a hole in the wall. They get up and continue fighting, with Cable gaining the upper hand.

CABLE: Dubstep's for pussies.

WADE: You're so dark! Are you sure you're not from the DC universe? I love dubstep!

Dubstep plays as Deadpool grabs Cable. They both tumble out the hole in the wall. The fight for a moment. Cable gets the upper hand and the dubstep stops. The skee ball token falls nearby. Cable goes to pick it up.

WADE: Is that a fanny pack? I used to have one of those in 1990-never.

Cable holds up the skee ball token.

CABLE: Something to remember you by.

WADE: Give me that back! That goes with me everywhere. Like the memory of your f**king fanny pack!

Cable punches Wade to the ground again. Russell watches from nearby.

CABLE: Why are you protecting the kid?

WADE: I don't give a f**k about him, and his, “Are you my mother?” complex.

Wade looks over to see Russell run away. He pulls a pin from one of Cable’s grenades.

WADE: What's this one do?

Cable looks at the grenade and puts his shield up. There’s a ma**ive explosion which sends both of them flying out of the Ice Box and down the side of a mountain. Cut back and forth between Russell walking through the prison and Wade and Cable tumbling. Wade narrates.

WADE: In every film, there's a moment when the hero hits rock bottom. In Cool Runnings, it was when John Candy's prized bobsled broke. In Human Centipede, it was when those people signed on to be in that movie. But in this film, well, you're looking at it.

Some guards approach Russell.

GUARD: On your f**king knees, mutant.

The guard tases Russell.

WADE: Rock, meet bottom.

Cable grabs onto a rock and stops his tumble. Wade falls over the cliff into a frozen lake. Wade tumbles through visions of Vanessa and hears clips from previous conversations with her. Cut to him in the hazy version of their apartment.

WADE: Ness? Hey, Ness! Ness, can you let me in? Please! Please. Jesus.

He sits against the invisible wall separating them.

WADE: You're not giving me a lot of direction here. I'm at the end of my rope. Then I joined the X-Men. I went to prison. I, uh… Is it the kid?

VANESSA: Kids give us a chance to be better than we used to be.

WADE: The kid!

The timer in the apartment dings. Wade is pulled out of the apartment and back into the real world. He breaks the ice over the lake and pulls himself out.

CUT TO: INT. BAR

Wade talks to Weasel in the bar. Dopinder stands nearby.

WADE: That's exactly what she meant. Your heart needs to be in the right place. I'm not gonna abandon this kid. He's never had anyone, ever. I need to be selfless.

WEASEL: Yeah, but what does that mean?

WADE: It means I'm gonna save Russell. Maybe I couldn't save Vanessa, but maybe I can save a robust teenager from New Zealand.

WEASEL: Yeah, but what I mean is, like, the world "selfless." I literally don't know what that means.

WADE: Jesus Christ.

WEASEL: Okay, look. According to my guy, okay, those muties are being transferred to a supermax, 80 miles away.

WADE: Great, I'll pick 'em off along the way.

WEASEL: Hold your testicles there, buddy, okay? We're talking about an armored convoy, and a vicious super soldier from the future that is looking to turn your skull into a f**kable ashtray.

WADE: You know what we need to do? We need to build a f**king team. We need 'em tough, morally flexible, and young enough so they can carry this franchise 10 to 12 years.

DOPINDER: My body is an instrument of death.

WADE: Not now, Dopinder.

DOPINDER: I could be of great use.

WADE: What's your superpower?

DOPINDER: Courage.

WADE: That's adorable.

WEASEL: Do you have the courage to check and see if there are enough sanitary napkins in the dispenser?

DOPINDER: Yes, sir.

Dopinder walks away.

WEASEL: I'm sorry you had to see that, although I'm glad you heard it. All right, I'll put out a call for resumes. But we're not paying medical or dental. It's time to get back on Linkedln.

CUT TO: INT. APARTMENT

Cable inspects himself in a mirror. He has a flashback. A record plays. His daughter laughs and holds her teddy bear. A hooded figure enters the apartment. Back in the present, Cable drinks a can of beer.

CUT TO: INT. ICE BOX

Russell sits at a table. He looks over at the maximum security area. Some of the gla** in the door has been broken.

P.A. SYSTEM: Transport will begin at 0800 hours.

TOM: Oi.

Russell turns. Black Tom is confronting another prisoner.

MUTANT: What the f**k do you want?

TOM: That's my f**king pudding.

MUTANT: F**k your pudding!

TOM: You like pudding?

The two begin fighting. A crowd gathers. With the guards distracted, Russell takes his food tray into the maximum security area. He approaches the cell at the end of the hallway.

RUSSELL: Hello? I know you're in there.

Russell sets his food tray down and slides in under the door. He leans down and watches it. Someone inside the cell grabs it. Russell sits down.

RUSSELL: Must be hard being the biggest guy in here. Lonely at the top, eh? They're moving us tomorrow. Maybe I can get you out of here. And we can make the whole world our b*t*h. We need a secret code.

Russell makes a bird call.

RUSSELL: No, that's stupid, Russell. Idiot.

Russell knocks on the cell door. The prisoner inside knocks back in return.

RUSSELL: We're a team. We're like thugs, we're like gangsters. I'm like Tupac, and you're like Ice Cube.

CUT TO: INT BAR

Deadpool and Weasel look over some headshots of potential team members in a back room. “Nobody Speak” by DJ Shadow begins playing.

WEASEL: Supposedly, she can rap, too.

DEADPOOL: I like that. Terrific, these are all terrific.

WEASEL: Meet Bedlam.

Bedlam stands before the table.

DEADPOOL: Cool name! Superpowers?

BEDLAM: I can distort electrical fields. Including the one inside your brain. Causing anxiety, confusion, pain.

DEADPOOL: So, basically, you're Dave Matthews. We can use him.

Deadpool puts Bedlam’s picture on a wall. Cut to Zeitgeist standing before the table.

ZEITGEIST: I'm Zeitgeist.

DEADPOOL: Cool. I like it. So you have the power to put your finger on the pulse of society?

ZEITGEIST: No. No, I spit acidic vomit.

DEADPOOL: Oh.

ZEITGEIST: Do you want me to demonstrate?

DEADPOOL: No.

WEASEL: We'll take your word for it.

DEADPOOL: Thank you. Yeah. Listen, we've all eaten at Arby's, okay?

Deadpool puts Zeitgeist’s picture on a wall. Cut back to the table.

WEASEL: And this is the Vanisher.

The room appears empty.

DEADPOOL: But… Vanisher! Nice!

WEASEL: Right?

DEADPOOL: He's not here, is he?

WEASEL: He may be running late.

Deadpool puts a ‘picture’ of the Vanisher on the wall. Cut to Shatterstar standing in front of the table.

SHATTERSTAR: My name's Rusty, but I go by Shatterstar.

DEADPOOL & WEASEL: That's good, yeah.

DEADPOOL: "Rusty" is-

WEASEL: Toughie.

DEADPOOL: Terrible. So, uh, where are you from?

SHATTERSTAR: The planet Mojo World.

DEADPOOL: So you're an alien, I guess. How does that, uh, help us?

SHATTERSTAR: I'm basically better than you at everything.

DEADPOOL: Just once, I'm gonna find a planet of people that are worse than me at everything. A whole bunch of functional idiots. I'm gonna go there, and I'm gonna be their Superman.

WEASEL: Isn't that Canada?

DEADPOOL: You shut your goddamn trash mouth!

Deadpool puts a picture of Shatterstar on the wall. Cut to Domino standing in front of the table.

WEASEL: Meet-

DOMINO: Domino.

DEADPOOL: What's your shtick?

DOMINO: I'm lucky.

DEADPOOL: If you're so lucky, then what are you doing here with us?

DOMINO: I don't know yet.

DEADPOOL: What's that supposed to mean?

DOMINO: It means that I don't know yet. But there's a reason why I'm here, and I'll know when I know. Everything usually works out for me.

DEADPOOL: Luck isn't a superpower.

DOMINO: Yes, it is.

DEADPOOL: No, it isn't.

DOMINO: Yes, it is.

DEADPOOL: No, ma'am.

DOMINO: Mmm-hmm.

DEADPOOL: Mario No-pez.

DOMINO: Yeah.

DEADPOOL: Nacho cheese.

DOMINO: No, it definitely is. I really-

DEADPOOL: There's no way that it-

DOMINO: Sorry, I was interrupting you.

DEADPOOL: Sorry. No, I interrupted you.

DOMINO: No, no, no. You can go first.

DEADPOOL: Oh, I was just gonna say, "No, it isn't."

DOMINO: I was gonna just bring it back to that yes, it is.

DEADPOOL: Let's meet in the middle and say, "No, it isn't."

DOMINO: But it is.

DEADPOOL: Okay. You're hired!

WEASEL: You're hired.

DOMINO: Oh, lucky me.

DEADPOOL: She's great.

Deadpool places a picture of Domino on the wall. Cut back to the table.

WEASEL: And last, but not least...

PETER: Peter.

Deadpool looks at his notes and holds up a headshot of Peter.

DEADPOOL: Am I getting catfished here or...? Any powers you wanna tell us about?

Dopinder enters through the back carrying some boxes.

PETER: No. I don't have one. Um, I just saw the ad and thought it looked fun.

DEADPOOL: You're in.

WEASEL: Yeah.

Dopinder throws down the boxes he was carrying.

DOPINDER: F**k!

Deadpool puts a picture of Peter on the wall. Cut to Weasel exiting the bar.

WEASEL: It's fulfilling work.

Cable stands hidden nearby.

CUT TO: INT. CONVOY

A guard pushes Russell along.

GUARD: Let's go!

The guard pushes Russell into a cell on the convoy. He looks at some of the other mutants as he pa**es. Black Tom hits his cell door. Cut to shots of the convoy exiting the Ice Box.

GUARD: This is Convoy 17 departing the Ice Box. We are en route.

CUT TO: APARTMENT

Weasel is duct taped to a chair.

CABLE: Peacetime makes people soft. I was born into war. Bred into it.

WEASEL: Okay.

CABLE: People think they understand pain. What's the most pain you've ever felt?

WEASEL: These restraints are pretty...

CABLE: I've got a list. We're gonna work down it. Together. Number one, I'm gonna bend something. Something that was not meant to bend.

WEASEL: I'm gonna stop you right there because I'm not gonna make it to two. I won't even make it to one. I don't do well with pain, you know. If I stub my toe, I'm done for the day. I cried when they canceled Felicity. When I get really scared, I get nervous . I have one right now. Don't look. It'll only make it worse. I don't want you to hurt me, and I'll tell you anything you wanna know. Except for where they are.

Cable gives Weasel a look.

WEASEL: Russell's in a convoy heading southbound on Gerry Duggan Parkway. The monster's with them. I wouldn't f**k with him.

CUT TO: INT. BAR

Deadpool explains the plan to the group in the back room of the bar. He’s drawn the plan in crayon. Weasel continues to narrate over the meeting.

DEADPOOL: You all know the plan. Intercept the convoy, grab the boy. But not inappropriately!

WEASEL: You know what, I wouldn't f**k with Deadpool either. Because he's built a team. He's unstoppable.

DEADPOOL: He has an a** pen. He'll stab you with it. Watch out for this guy, Cable! He's very short, 5'11". Not like in the comics. And if we succeed, we all go home early.

WEASEL: So if you go after them, Cable, I warn you. There's a wind advisory in effect.

CUT TO: INT. CONVOY

We see a shot of the convoy. The camera pans over to the city. Cut to Russell standing in the convoy.

CUT TO: INT. HELICOPTER

Cut to a shot of the helicopter.

PILOT: A little turbulent up here.

The group gets ready in the helicopter. Peter puts on sunscreen.

PETER: I don't know much about this Cable fella, but I guarantee he hasn't killed as many people as melanoma has.

PILOT: We're getting close!

DEADPOOL: As a former X-Man-

BEDLAM: Trainee.

DEADPOOL: Thank you, Bedlam. I was always appalled by the blatant sexism in the group's name. X-Men! Men! The point is, our group will be forward thinking. Gender neutral. From now on, we'll be known as… X-Force.

DOMINO: Isn't that a little derivative?

DEADPOOL: I don't recall asking your opinion, Peter!

PETER: That wasn't me.

Cut to a shot of the convoy, then back to the helicopter.

DEADPOOL: Hang the laundry out at 1,300 feet. Intercept the convoy, and grab the boy.

ZEITGEIST: Let's bring on the carnage, baby!

BEDLAM: Get me on the ground, watch me go!

ZEITGEIST: Yeah! I can't wait to kill!

Zeitgeist and Bedlam high five. The group cheers.

DEADPOOL: Hey! Hey! Hey! I just wanna say how proud I am of this team. You know, you guys look amazing! Vanisher, I have no doubt you look amazing too. This is the family that I've always dreamed of having and I… Ah, sh*t. I just get a little choked up sometimes.

PETER: I hate to interrupt, but is anybody nervous about the high winds?

DEADPOOL: Gary.

PETER: My name's Peter.

DEADPOOL: I realize that you're new to this, but relax. You've been chosen by a higher power.

DOMINO: Did he just call himself God?

BEDLAM: I think he did.

PETER: I'd like to go home.

DEADPOOL: And I'd like… the McRib to be available year round, but sometimes dreams don't come true. I spent 10 years in Special Forces. You think we didn't jump out of the plane because of a light breeze? You're in this sh*t now, Mustache!

Deadpool whispers and strokes Peter’s face.

DEADPOOL: I'm only yelling to impress the other guys. I'd never let anything happen to you, Sugarbear. Leonard, hit it!

Deadpool flashes a thumbs up to the pilots. “Thunderstruck” by AC/DC begins playing. The back of the helicopter opens up.

DEADPOOL: Go! Go! Go!

The team goes out of the helicopter past Deadpool.

BEDLAM: Let's get some!

ZEITGEIST: Whoo!

SHATTERSTAR: Oh, yeah!

DEADPOOL: Convoy, 12 o'clock! On my command! Deploy! Oh, hey now!

PETER: Whoa!

They all deploy their parachutes and are thrown off by the wind.

DEADPOOL: Little off course here.

His parachute gets caught on a billboard and he hangs from it.

DEADPOOL: Holy mommy f**king sh*t!

He looks up to see all of X-Force being thrown around by the wind.

DEADPOOL: Ah, there they are. Look at these gorgeous sons of b*t*hes. Oh, yeah! That's right, Bedlam!

Bedlam struggles with his parachute and crashes through the window of a bus.

DEADPOOL: No! Tripping motherf**king billies!

He looks up to see Shatterstar.

DEADPOOL: Shatterstar. Okay, you got this.

Shatterstar approaches a helicopter, his hair flapping around and obscuring his view.

DEADPOOL: Left! Left! No, stage left, you idiot!

Shatterstar gets caught in the blades of the helicopter, his body getting splattered all over the windows.

DEADPOOL: Well, I guess we found something you're not better at.

Deadpool releases his parachute, landing on the railed walkway below the billboard. He watches Vanisher.

DEADPOOL: Vanisher. Maybe the wind can't blow what it can't see.

Vanisher crashes into some power lines, becoming briefly visible.

DEADPOOL: Really? All right, we could do this with four.

Deadpool watches Peter land.

DEADPOOL: Sugarbear. You got this, buddy! That's the stuff! That's the X-Force spirit!

Peter makes a safe landing nearby.

DEADPOOL: Never underestimate a man with a mustache! Just ask anyone in Brooklyn.

PETER: Haha! We did it!

DEADPOOL: You're a goddamn superhero, you!

PETER: X-Force!

DEADPOOL: X-Force.

They both watch Zeitgeist parachute into a woodchipper.

DEADPOOL: Oh!

Peter runs to Zeitgeist, almost getting hit by a car. Zeitgeist’s is caught in the woodchipper.

DEADPOOL: Peter.

PETER: I got you, buddy!

ZEITGEIST: This is not good, man!

PETER: You're gonna be fine!

DEADPOOL: You got this, big guy! Here we go, Peter!

PETER: Look at me. We're X-Force, right?

ZEITGEIST: Yeah, we're X-Force.

PETER: We're X-Force.

Zeitgeist vomits all over Peter, dissolving his body.

DEADPOOL: Oh, my God! What the f**k? F**king acidic vomit!

Zeitgeist screams as he’s pulled into the woodchipper.

DEADPOOL: Oh, God! I'm gonna throw up in my mask.

Cut to a shot of the convo. Domino is still in the air, following it.

DOMINO: Okay, I'm over the convoy. Where did the rest of the team land?

Deadpool stands near Bedlam as some paramedics try to revive him. He begins walking.

DEADPOOL: Good news and bad news. Bad news is the whole team is dead. The good news is, I don't think anyone's gonna miss Shatterstar. He was a bit of a prick. Oh, but Paul!

DOMINO: Peter!

DEADPOOL: Peter, I'm gonna miss him most. But there is a slight chance Vanisher could make it.

Vanisher’s flaming body falls from the power lines.

DEADPOOL: Nope, no chance. He's dead.

DOMINO: The whole team?

DEADPOOL: Only the main ones. We're still good.

DOMINO: F**k, you are dumb.

Deadpool steals a woman’s scooter and rides away.

DEADPOOL: Even after all this time, I still can't talk about it. Who knew these winds would be so strong?

DOMINO: Everyone. Everyone on the helicopter. And everyone not on the helicopter.

CUT TO: EXT. CONVOY

The convoy continues down the streets of the city. Cable watches from a nearby building. Cut back to Domino pursuing the convoy.

DOMINO: They're headed into the tunnel.

DEADPOOL: I'm that kid's only hope, so sit tight and wait for my word.

DOMINO: Whatever. We're gonna lose 'em. I'm dropping in.

DEADPOOL: Uh, that's a negative, sole survivor. Luck is not a superpower. We are so f**ked!

Domino lands in traffic and begins walking. Cars swerve past her.

DOMINO: No, we most certainly are not f**ked.

One car swerves and hits a lamp post. The lamp post falls over.

DEADPOOL: Seriously, I don't get it! What, you shoot luck lasers out of your eyes?

The fallen lamp post causes a car to swerve into a nearby gas station.

DEADPOOL: It's just it's hard to picture. And certainly not very cinematic.

The explosion in the gas station causes a car to flip over Domino’s head. The car provides a ramp for Domino to leap over a ledge and land through a roof of one of the convoy’s trucks.

DEADPOOL: I mean, luck?

The driver pulls a gun on Domino, but it has no bullets.

DEADPOOL: What coked out, gla** pipe-sucking freakshow comic book artist came up with that little chestnut?

Domino fights the driver.

DEADPOOL: Probably a guy who can't draw feet!

Cut to Cable jumping off a building and landing on a sidewalk. Cut back inside the truck, Domino dispatches the driver and takes control of the truck.

DEADPOOL: Once again, it all falls on my shoulders. It's why I'm cursed to be a solo act. Wander the Earth-

DOMINO: I'm in.

DEADPOOL: I'm sorry, what did you say?

DOMINO: I'm in.

DEADPOOL: How in the f**k are you in already?

DOMINO: Oh, sh*t.

Cable approaches the truck from the front.

DOMINO: It's Cable. 12 o'clock.

DEADPOOL: Okay. New plan. Use all of your imaginary powers to stop Cable from killing that kid.

Deadpool turns a corner and comes up on the convoy.

DEADPOOL: I'm coming up on your six.

A broken window on the truck causes Cable to me blinded by a reflection of light and miss. The shot heads under the truck, breaking the brake fluid line and hitting the truck behind the one Domino is driving. Deadpool rides past the exploding truck.

DEADPOOL: That gun is amazing!

Cable jumps from one car onto the roof of the convoy.

DOMINO: Where is he? I can't see him.

DEADPOOL: He's on top of you.

Cable rips the door off of the back of the truck.

DEADPOOL: He's going in through the back!

Cable enters the back of the truck.

DEADPOOL: Oh, God, he's inside!

DOMINO: You hear yourself, right?

DEADPOOL: Accidental double entendres!

CABLE: Russell! Russell Collins!

DEADPOOL: Hands off that kid, John Connor!




All Artists: 0 A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

we all love music