A Fistful of Paintballs


A Fistful of Paintballs By Community

Title: A Fistful of Paintballs

Neil: Guys, please, okay. I don’t even have a gun. Isn’t this against the rules?

Mike: There’s only 1 rule, fat Neil: the prize goes to the last man standing.

Annie: So to speak.

Mike: If you were a dude, you’d have my fist up your balls.

Neil: Thank you, Annie.

Annie: Kick their guns to me.

Annie: Kick, don’t reach. Hey Christina Ricci. I said, kick.

Neil: Annie, take it easy. You’ve gotta learn to trust people.

Neil: Can’t you leave me with a little somethin’? We’re friends, Annie, remember? We played Dungeons and Dragons together.

Annie: That was a game.

Annie: This is paintball.

Dean: Okay, couple of announcements. I want to thank Pistol Patty’s Cowboy Creamery for sponsoring our end of the year picnic! Now, free ice cream and that one guy having a heart attack aren’t the only surprises today. We’re going to end this year with a quick game of Paintball Assassin. Now last year’s big mistake was way too valuable a prize and I’ve been assured that this year will be different. So, take it away Pistol Patty.

Pistol Patty: Howdy folks. There’s only one rule: last man standing gets the prize. There’s your guns and here’s the prize: $100,000 cash. Go nuts!

Abed: I heard a rumor you never shoot an unarmed man.

Annie: Whoever started that rumor didn’t eat my beans.

Abed: Then I guess it’s lucky for me I’m not unarmed.

Abed: Seeing as I’m…eating your beans.

Abed: Jeff wants to see you.

Annie: Yeah? And I want pants. A lot of people want a lot of things.

Abed: It won’t hurt to hear him out, would it? We’ve got a good hiding spot in the library. As safe as you are here, you’ll be safer with us.

Chang: Math club has gotten a lot better since last year.

Jeff: Obviously they were practicing while the rest of us were on dates.

Chang: Hold on, I have a plan. Math club!

Math student: Yeah?

Chang: I’m Asian. You guys Asian?
Math student: That’s pretty racist, man.

Chang: That wasn’t a no, I’m coming over! Don’t shoot me, shoot him. He’s white and he’s out of ammo.

Jeff: Crap.

Chang: See you Abed. Watch your back .

Jeff: Shoot Chang! He defected to the math club!

Chang: Math rules!

Jeff: Ah, forget it. It’s just a waste of ammo. Let’s go grab their paint.

Abed: Cool.

Annie: Yeah, I’m much safer with you guys.

Jeff: Milady.

Annie: What do you want, Jeff?

Jeff: Yikes. Well what do we all want? Ammo. How much you got left?

Annie: $100,000 worth.

Abed: Yeah, we’re running low too.

Jeff: Shut up, Abed.

Abed: Okay.

Jeff: What have you heard about Pierce?

Annie: I hear he’s still alive, holed up near the cafeteria.

Jeff: Well I hear he has more paint than a French kindergarten.

Annie: You proposing we join him?

Jeff: I’m proposing his ammo joins us.

Annie: You haven’t changed.

Jeff: You think Pierce has? Annie, let’s not rehash this, the guy’s been a j*rk all year.

Annie: He’s a j*rk because we exclude him.

Jeff: We exclude him because he’s a j*rk. And the last time I checked you were the last one feeling sorry about it.

Annie: Guess I’m still waiting for you guys to come around.

Jeff: Likewise.

Student: I am dead, yo. I’m dead!

Annie: Who wears spurs in paintball?

Jeff: Who the hell are you?

The Black Rider: The guy that’s gonna win.

Abed: Does that guy even go to this school? He’s really good looking. Like network TV good looking. And did you see how big his guns were?

Jeff: Why don’t you just marry him, Abed?

Abed: I’m just sayin’, paintball is tough this year.

Britta: I agree.

Abed: Careful, Britta. You can’t hit all 3 of us.

Shirley: She won’t have to.

Shirley walks into the hall holding two pistols.

Abed: Hey, Troy!

Troy: Abed!

Abed: I thought you were dead.

Troy: I thought you were dead.

Britta: Guys!

Troy: Oh, right. By the power invested in us as deputies, we now pronounce you arrested.

Jeff: Deputies? What are you, deputies of the stairwell?

Britta: Fort Hawthorne

Troy: There’s a bounty on your head my friend.

Jeff: Pierce. My forehead’s not that big, right?

Troy: It’s not small.

Jeff: So you guys just let Pierce boss you around in exchange for paint pellets?

Shirley: Actually, Jeff, he’s been pretty decent in this game so far. He’s created a safe zone where people can rest, eat, and if necessary pump their breast milk.

Annie: Well, that sounds very nice of him.

Britta: Beats standing around with empty guns waiting to get picked off by the Black Rider.

Annie: Are you talking about the handsome, blonde cowboy with the big guns? Is that guy a student? Who is he?

Troy: We just call him the Black Rider.

Annie: Okay, but he’s not really riding anything…

Troy: Look, I don’t name people, Annie. I’m a deputy. I deputize.

Star-Burns: You have to surrender your guns. And your drugs.

Pierce: Ah, my study group. How long has it been?

Abed: 5 hours?

Pierce: Too long. Welcome, to Fort Hawthorne.

Annie: How is this even possible?

Pierce: It began with a dream, Annie. A dream and an impulse to hide in the men’s room. I found that people were willing to roll bullets underneath the door just for the right to take a dump. By the way, for you guys, taking a dump’s on the house. Or if you prefer, relax and catch a show.

Jeff: This is insane.

Pierce: Don’t worry, Jeff. I’ve also got someone more your speed.

Leonard: Because you’re gay.

Jeff: Alright, I think I’ve seen enough and I’d like my gun back now.

Pierce: Only Hawthorne personnel can carry weapons inside, Jeffrey.

Jeff: Alright, you got us here, unarmed, at your mercy. What do you want?

Pierce: We’ll discuss over dinner, you’re famished. Tonight, we feast!

Pierce: Ah, the Twinkies are wonderful tonight. Give us some space Miguel. What if I told you guys I know where to find enough ammo to end this cowardly hiding out. Split the price 7 ways.

Jeff: So send your goons to get it.

Pierce: Ah, they’d never bring it back. We trust each other, we’re a study group.

Britta: That’s pretty warm and fuzzy talk coming from you, Pierce.

Abed: Mmhmm, you’ve kinda acted like a villain this year.

Pierce: I have?

Britta: Duh-doy.

Troy: Yes.

Jeff: Well, a little bit.

Abed: You raped the Ducane family.

Annie: You guys, Pierce is reaching out.

Jeff: I’m not risking my butt hauling ammo back for the guy that has Vicki dancing for Twinkies.

Pierce: She’s a dance major, Jeff. She loves Twinkies and if you ever took the time to get to know her…look, uh, summer starts tomorrow. For you guys it means, pool parties, dinners, one-night stands. For me it means counting down the days ’til next fall. Before we go, let me do this for you. Let me bring us victory.

Jeff: Fine, let’s do it.

Pierce: To the study group.

All: To the study group!

Abed: More juice, Miguel.

Shirley: I hope we find this cache of ammunition soon, I need to pump.

Troy: Me too. You’re talkin’ about peeing right?

Shirley: No.

Troy: Me neither.

Jeff: Look, about Pierce, I feel bad. I shouldn’t put so much effort into-

Annie: It’s okay. I think…this study group is my family, you know, and if we start picking and choosing-

Jeff: Where do we stop? I get it. You’re a good kid and I wanna do my part to help you stay that way.

Heather: Benjamin Chang. For your betrayal of the cheerleaders alliance, I sentence you to pretendsies death.

Chang: Guys, you don’t have to do this. I betrayed the math club for you.

Heather: Ready?

Chang: Heather, I’m sorry I told Trisha about Amber.

Heather: Aim.

Annie: Fire.

Jeff: Holy crap.

Heather: Not cool, b*t*h.

Annie: Yeah, so you told me at last year’s tryouts.

Annie: Leave the guns.

Heather: Whatev.

Chang: Who’s there? Can I join you?

Jeff, Annie, and Abed: No!

Chang: Okay.

Annie: Damn, I’m out. Give me your gun.

Jeff: Alright, be careful.

Chang: Cheerleaders rule!

The Black Rider: I’ll take that.

Annie: Who are you?

The Black Rider: I’m the bad guy.

Annie: Stop trying to fluster me with your handsomeness. You’re creepy.

The Black Rider: Then why’s your chest getting all flushed?

Annie: It’s a rash, I’m allergic to beans. Look, do you even go to school here?

The Black Rider: Sorry, I get paid to shoot paintballs honey, not the breeze.

Annie: *laughs* Lame.

The Black Rider: I’ll hit you in the foot.

Annie: Thank you.

The Black Rider: Good try, sugar.

Jeff: Hey.

Abed: Hey.

The Black Rider: I’ll save you for last.

Annie: You won’t get the chance.

Jeff: You okay? I got a better look at him. He’s not that good-looking.

Abed: Didn’t he shoot you?

Annie: He tried.

Jeff: He’s a bad shot too? Man what does he have going for him?

Annie: Pierce loaded your gun with blanks.

Dean: Don’t shoot! Why does this keep happening?! And what kind of ice cream company does this?!

Troy: Where’s the paintball stuff from last year?

Dean: I hid it so the school doesn’t get destroyed, again.

Abed: Too late.

Dean: Oh, hi Jeff.

Jeff: We just ran into the Black Rider. Dean, if you want this game to end, we need fire power.

Dean: In there. The key’s in my shorts. I can get it out I guess.

Troy: Now this is more like it.

Jeff: Okay, Black Rider. Now let’s see who’s attractive.

Troy: Dude, you have a problem. Oh, nice!

Jeff: Woah, where you going?

Annie: To have a conversation with Pierce.

Abed: She’s pretty awesome today.

Annie: What happened?

Vicki: The Black Rider. He wiped out the whole fort.

Annie: Then why are you still here?

Vicki: I can’t go back out there. This is the only life I know.

Pierce: Annie?

Pierce: Is that you? Did you get the ammo?

Annie: Yup.

Pierce: Hey! What are you doing?!

Annie: Why was Jeff’s gun loaded with blanks?

Pierce: Was it?

Pierce: Come on now, hey. Oh, okay. I get it. So once again I’m the bad guy?

All: Yes.

Pierce: Well, he got to win last year. It’s a game, Annie.

Annie: Fine, it’s a game.

Annie: Let’s play. Put it in your holster.

Pierce: Come on, Annie. You’re my favorite, I don’t want to beat you. It’s just that I don’t want Jeff to be the-

Annie: Put the gun in your holster and let’s play the game.

Pierce: Right, so you can shoot me and play without me. That’s this group’s favorite thing.

Troy: We’re always nice to you, Pierce.

Pierce: Wrong! Wrong. 3 days ago I walked in on you guys playing cards without me. 3 days ago.

Annie: We weren’t playing cards, we were voting and you weren’t invited because we were voting about you.

Pierce: What?

Annie: We were taking a vote on whether we’d invite you back to the group next year. Lucky for you it had to be unanimous. There was one hold out. One red card.

Annie: Pick it up.

Jeff: Black Rider, it’s Jeff Winger! I know you’ve heard of me by now.

Black Rider: No.

Jeff: He’s lying. Look, if you’re half the cool cowboy you pretend to be, you’ll respect that we’ve got a situation playing out here and let us be until it’s settled.

Black Rider: Sure thing.

Black Rider: And once it’s settled, I’m taking out everybody in this room. Starting with you, Mr. Insecure.

Jeff: You think you’re good-looking, but you’re not. You’re average. You’re just an average looking guy with a big chin.

Black Rider: What’s going on?

Britta: He’s faking it.

Black Rider: No, something’s wrong with him.

Shirley: No no no, it’s fake.

Abed: Last week he did it to get out of letting me have a stick of gum.

Black Rider: He’s old though, it could be real.

Pierce: It’s real. It is

Troy: The gurgling’s a nice touch.

Black Rider: You guys are terrible people.

Britta: Eh, we warned you.

Black Rider: Buddy, you alright, you want me to call 911?

Pierce: Sucker!

Black Rider: Son of a b*t*h, seriously?

Britta: Yes.

Troy: Told you, dude.

Pierce: I’m the best!

Britta: You’re the worst.

Pierce: I’m out of the group? You’re out of mine. And I’m winning.

Annie: We’ve created a monster.

Jeff: Let’s not give ourselves too much credit.

Black Rider: I’m out. Some old guy pretended to have a heart attack, shot me in the gut. I don’t care, that’s your problem. This school sucks.

Annie: Well then why do you go here?

Black Rider: I wouldn’t go to this toilet with my big sister’s toe. I take a class online. I was paid to be here and win the game so my boss could keep his prize money.

Annie: You work for the ice cream company?

Black Rider: Sweetie, this thing is so much bigger than you could even imagine. I’m out of here, I’ve got Coldplay tickets.

Annie: Coldplay?

Black Rider: Too late bean allergy, you blew it.

Chang: Hello?! Anybody?! Does anyone have an alliance I could join?! I’m really loyal!

Chang: Am I out?

Pistol Patty: On your knees. No Greendale student can be allowed to win this game. Initiate Plan B: Operation Total Invasion.

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